It's worth a million bucks to me that you're even thinking about this, so keep up the good work.

But she'll just be a regular brunette woman who doesn't wax her face.

Pretty sure plastic surgeons are doctors who should have become lawyers. Given their asshole brains.

Living in pursuit of gorgeousness sucks. Being old is underrated. Being young has its advantages, like being too stupid to understand actual value. But whatever keeps you out of ISIS!!

Sorry assholes, equestrian beats fucking canoeing. Boring-ass predictable (though admirably comprehensive!) list.

Predators will insert themselves (sorry) into any hospitable place they find. This kind of organizational tolerance is like a beacon to abusers saying “hey fuckers, you can find a nice crop of victims and the unquestioning protection of leadership if you can teach handsprings and vaulting.”

I have all of DJ Aretha Epsom’s cookbooks.

Amstel Ergot would like you to know his anticipated performance is a tour de force that will be hailed as a triumph and Hazel Grace would die if she saw it.

Now we know it was never the War on Drugs, it was the War on Black and Brown People. And now they’re all in prison. Meanwhile white people are all hooked on heroin, but because we can blame that on white collar opioids, it’s less icky, so we have to find a compassionate way to rehabilitate them.

I’m a dressage rider (go ahead, I can take it) and I wear two bras and, on no-stirrups days, two pairs of underwear. My horse’s trot is akin to doing exuberant jumping jacks at 15 mph. If ma boobs hurt, I can’t sit properly and yes, it would impact his throughness and ability to drive from the hindquarters. If you’re…

I was seeing Lady Elaine Fairchild from Mr Roger’s Neighborhood.

It’s like a #10 blade in the show horse-grooming playbook. Just buy some horse clippers and be a man.

Ugh. Same here. I live in apartment complex hell and there is shit everywhere. They even provide free bags and there will be a pile of shit right next to the bag dispenser/trash can. I don't know what is wrong with people.

From the Obvious Questions with Obvious Answers Desk: what if the little fucker had been black?

You're gonna have to say it in a bitchy queen voice though. Please?!

He looks so skinny! Jon come ‘ere so I can feed you in a non-sexual way...

I miss Christmas soooo much. Obama, why'd you have to ban Christmas and enforce Ramadan and hummus on us? Santa wept.

True American hero though.

Stop. Just stop. Reality, no. I can’t.

I can’t believe we are funding his security team while he literally puts every single one of us in danger with his diarrhea mouth. I hope one of his secret service guys “has a bad day” and lets some psycho take him out. What a fucking embarrassment for our country. I'm so ashamed of us. I need a million showers and a…