I think we all know who's going to walk away with these time outs:

Now the Smoke Damage Outlet Store is gonna need a new spokesperson :(

Well I'm sure it didn't help matters when he referred to the TSA as a "bunch of slack-jawed faggots" and then got tobacco spit all over their uniforms.

Maybe Vick will come out of retirement for just one more execution...

Carter Blanchard wants to know what the problem with this is.

I never understood survival bunkers. If there was ever a zombie plague unleashed on earth or a nuclear missile attack or giant meteor strike, who would WANT to live through that? I get pissed off when my cable goes out for more than 15 minutes. I seriously doubt I could survive very long in some underground cave…

Next time she mentions the "End Times" yell "HOLY SHIT, THEY'RE HERE RIGHT NOW GOTTA GO" and just hang up the phone.

One of my main suggestions was that he convert the choice location the press commanded close to the field to prime suites and catapult the media to the upper reaches of the stadium.

If the union is decertified, players would be able to sue the NBA under antitrust laws to try to end the lockout that way.

Jesus. Even Kirk Cameron thinks this party is lame.

SCHENECTADY — A city man has been indicted on a charge of arson for allegedly blowing up two small portable propane tanks inside his apartment's oven while tenants upstairs were home, according to Assistant District Attorney John Healy.

Shaughnessy: I'm impressed. How many questions does it usually take to spot them?

Wow, a suspension just for sacking? Imagine if he had gone through with his original plan to drop a set of Turkish goggles on one of the towel guys.

PICTURED: One of Lindsay Lohan's many cocaine mules.

Does this mean I can preemptively sue any newspaper for writing about me whipping it out in public? I mean, I definitely do do that, but I'm not exactly trying to advertise it either.

Latham, Loudonville and Bethlehem form what I like to call The Golden Triangle of Smug, Rich Jackholes.

Well I mean you don't need Perry Mason to solve this one. Guy from Troy (where dreams go to die, coincidentally) gets all cranked out on god knows what, goes straight-up Hulk at a local gym, is tasered and then dies of a heart attack immediately after. David Caruso ain't even taking off his sunglasses for this…

You should also mention that the gym didn't shut down even after they carted out Brothers' carcass. A man's death is no excuse for cellulite!

I'd make her wear a scarlet "H" for "Ham."

This explains why I just saw Delonte West on his motorcycle wearing eight guitar cases on his back.