Calm down, Oscar. When I tried eHarmony, they didn't have any matches for me either but I didn't check myself into rehab because of it.

Yeah but make sure to tape the show immediately AFTER the Rapture as well in case it goes long.

If only the webcam could also broadcast the comforting smell of hot liquid garbage that seems to hang in the air wherever you go in Manhattan.

Also, without even seeing a picture of his wife, I'm willing to bet $500 that she could wipe the floor with his goofy ass.

Take it easy, he was just testing out a new iPhone app for his column: iAssault&Battery.

A classic:

I think people don't like Tosh because he's living the life that most of us can only dream of: making fun of people on the internet, and getting paid to do it. Fuck, I've been doing that same exact shit for 15 years and all I have to show for it is poor eyesight and cancer from all the chemicals in Mountain Dew.

At their day job busing tables at Benigan's. They tried to leave early, but the assistant manager is a real hardon.

Frank Horrigan would've used that iPad to bash Bill O'Reilly's face in.

See, this is why America is in the toilet. No one wants to do anything themselves these days. They just want a foreigner to do it.

Steven Seagal had a hand in this too. Mark my words.

Jennings could've taken up BOTH sides of their yearly "Jewish Sports Stars" pamphlet!

That kid has obviously had wayyyyyyy too much Brain & Nerve Tonic. Somewhere, Ken Griffey Jr. is shaking his head solemnly.

Best scene in "Casino":

From the looks of it, Perkins was regretting not putting on that extra layer of Axe Body Spray.

"Great, so my poster choices are between a slope and a colored? Where's my gun..."

Dykstra had a chance to win his money back the next day, but it was Saturday and Lenny don't fuckin' roll on Shabbos.

The pit boss was heard asking "Is this guy just another dumb fucking white man or what?"

Eli Roth submitted a version of this commercial that was set at the World Javelin Championships, but it was deemed too "gritty and dark" for the American public.

Barnaby also rejected a plea deal that, while requiring no jail time, would have forced him to host "Who's More Now?" for the next three to five years.