I wonder when we’ll see the one about Oscar and Marla in an elevator

I’m inclined to agree. If an inlaw wants a dance routine because of some dumb video they saw on some basic bitch’s Facebook post, you can’t say no. But the unspoken understanding is that you ARE going to suck and you WILL be incredibly drunk. Besides, it’ll make a good story when you’re trying to nail a bridesmaid

A few things:

I think it’s Britney Spears. I mean, I know she’s on TV or whatever but there was a time when it was a media open-season on her. At least Skynyrd will have his earlier work music respected

Kids before 30: My folks had me when they were 20. Big mistake. No money, no experience, no real idea with what they were gonna do with the rest of their life. They’re okay now but their friends tend to be either older couples or couples without kids

Not a story about me but I have a friend who planned this caper to burgle a Chinese restaurant when he was maybe 12. The place shut down so everything got packed up and put in a trailer outside so he figured he’d come across some fine china, artwork or other things he could hock for weed-money. So he breaks in and…

I dunno if this is a thing for every school but in mine, every test we got back had to be signed by a parent. Well, I got a really bad score so I woke them up at seven on Saturday morning when they would be super-drowsy to show it to them. They glanced at the grade, lectured me about how a 13/20 won’t cut it in the…

My close male friends and I kicked each other in the nuts all the time. It was hilarious to us except of course for the one writhing on the floor. One would kick one then he would kick him back in retaliation and so on and so on until there were so many nuts having been kicked that we had all long forgotten who threw…

My favourite moment was Encarnacion’s walk-off in the Wildcard. You can have your punch, Rougned. We’ll just take the series... Then get embarrassed by Cleveland in the conference (AGAIN) and maintain a fandom comparable to that of the Buffalo Bills

I suppose context is everything

I’m an English teacher with a class of about six-twelve five year olds. Usually, it’s anarchy but every once in a while, they’ll snap into a mutual collective hive-mind hellbent on the utter destruction of me. Suddenly, they’re like the team that took down Bin Laden. They have their orders. They each go for a…

My family always went fake and so do I and shall my future generations. I’m not pissing away the one day off I get a week reenacting the first fifteen minutes of Christmas Vacation

Can’t argue with Bing & Bowie. But I’m in full agreement that Drummer Boy as a song is the goddamn worst. The thing goes on forever and it’s the most awkward shit during a family get together when everyone’s looking around like ‘do we do the whole thing, or...?’ And then you’ve got that one asshole who keeps saying…

The station my work plays runs that song 50 times a day so I feel like if I’ve never heard it ever again in my entire life, I’d be okay with that.

I’d rather hear Wonderful Christmastime than a 90s past-relevance pop-princess warble some shitty cover of a public-domain song. Also, I teach English in Japan so there’s a unit where the kids gotta sing “deck the halls.” Every time, they sing it like “fa ra ra ra ra” which reminds me of A Christmas Story and it’s all…

I almost died at a Bills game. They were playing some crappy team (I wanna say the jags? Maybe Cleveland?) and the game sucks so I turn to my father and ask “can we go?” He says “let’s just watch this drive. The drive sucks so we finally get up and leave. We parked at one of the local businesses outside Ralph Wilson…

I went to uni in some ditch digger town that nobody outside of southern Ontario would have any reason to know of and it was the week before school started. Now, we don’t have frats so therefore no frosh but that wasn’t any excuse for freshman to not get fitshaced. But since I’m a sophomore living in an off-campus…

My friend recounted a story about when he worked for a major catering company based out of Toronto that prepared meals for concerts so he cooked for some pretty big names (apparently, Steve Tyler won’t shut the hell up about his daughter). When Bette Midler was in town, she gave him some super-obscure request for…