Bravo to The Root for following Paul Maidment’s memo and sticking to sports.  

This is a true story: When I was in my dirtbag 20s, my friends and I used to hang out at a crappy bar because we loved the main bartender and the culture there. Then the scumbags who owned the bar fired the bartender we loved. He went to work at another bar and we followed him there. The first bar is closed now.

I feel like venture capitalists would consider theft a sport, right?

Man, I love people who self-own through being hilariously inept. You know, pumpkin thieves, thin-skinned vulture capitalist owners of blog sites, those kinds of folks.

Me and this guy share 99.9% of our DNA. It took me two hours to get out of bed.

Remember in 1988 when Geraldo got hit in the face with a chair tossed by a Nazi? Now he works for them.

For some reason, this reminded me of the Sopranos episode where Paulie and Christopher are stuck in a van, freezing, somewhere in the middle of nowhere in the snow. They find old mustard/ketchup packets and end up eating them just to stay alive.

A fair—and respectable—position to take.

I wish you luck in it.  I tried the same thing for a long time, and after a while, the urge to drink the idiocy out of my brain was a little too strong.

I mean, so? I don’t want Biden to run anyway, if we can get both out of here with one stone? Yay!

It’s doesn’t seem like you’ve moved on, dude.

The Jets starting QB has fucking mono like some horny teenaged hump, the main back-up, who actually forgot how to play football, got destroyed in a matter of minutes after taking the field, and they now have two dopes named Fuck and Fails as the only breathing QB’s left. Yet somehow, I’m still glad that Cousins…

The immortal Rick Mirer was also worthy of the list in his day.

Just put McCaffrey in at quarter back, he is gonna get the ball on every play either way.

I remember American Gladiators being on my NBC affiliate after SNL, but it’s possible I’m not remembering it right. Maybe it was midnight on another channel and I switched to it after Weekend Update?  I was weirdly loyal to NBC at that point.

“All I’m saying is, consider that MAYBE this woman drafted Josh Gordon in fantasy football...”

Five bucks says the Patriots knew about this. Five more says the Raiders didn't.

“Me too.”

-Guy who spent 14 hours sculpting spiked mini-skulls this offseason

Steelers fans like him again now

“Potato” is a shape.