I’d like to think that there is a BCO-worthy story of what went on backstage in that Pizza Hut that caused diners to wait over an hour for their pizzas. Sinkholes in the kitchen floor, tweaked-out line cooks wielding cleavers, dragons nesting in the mozzarella tub? I wanna know.

This post... this post, ... it had EVERYTHING!!!!

We do “rare” chocolate chip cookies around here. What you do is put the cookie dough on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper like you’re going to bake it, and actually stick them in the oven for about two minutes: just long enough to start flattening them out, but not nearly long enough to actually bake them.…

I buy the tubes of cookie dough with no intention whatsoever of baking them into actual cookies. I slice off a round and that’s dessert. #unrepentent

Oh my god! I may be allergic to red! I am one of those people I hate!

I am 9 weeks pregnant and have tried to give up BCO due to some serious food aversions but I just can’t turn away.

My grandma upped her cocktails in her twilight years, too. And I could never talk her out of cooking her nightly steak with half a stick of butter. She weighed about 90 pounds but could have put up a good fight if you tried to take something pleasurable away from her, illness be damned.

My great aunt said "the hell with appetizers and entrees" and would only eat hot fudge sundaes when I took her out for dinner. The last word she ever spoke to me was "Whoopee!" when I brought her the last thing she ever ate - a mocha frappucino.

Everyone in my office claims to love tea. Then they pull out a sampler box of Lipton or Twinings fruit teas and I die a little.

I used to work at Old Navy. One day, just after Christmas, a woman walks in with her toddler and her infant, heads straight to the baby section, corners the nearest associate, and says she needs to return a onesie purchased for her baby through the angel tree. The guy asks if she has a receipt, she does not. He…

I used to work for a bar owner who would greet every customer who wanted to make a complaint with “Before you tell me what happened, I just want to be very clear that it is against company policy to give free drinks, under any circumstances.” 99% of people simply walked away without making a complaint.

I picture her as a young woman, beautiful, pursued by five young men. Four of them bring her bouquets of roses, each in a different shade, each trying to outdo the other, one lovely afternoon when she was receiving guests in the front parlor. But the fifth, Howard, the one her heart ached for, beautiful, doomed…

My 85-year old mom lived with me for a few months while she waited for an assisted living apartment to become available (ie, someone died). We didn’t go out to eat a lot because she watched a lot of “Kitchen Confidential” and didn’t trust restaurants. Two stories:

I went to dinner with my grandpa every week at the same restaurant, and he always started dinner by asking mischievously, “Do you think I should get a screwdriver?” “Why not?” I’d say. “I’m driving!” Then he got fried oysters with a glass of house white, and a dish of vanilla ice cream for desert. Same thing, every…

Yeah. when I say “I want shrimp cocktail” I am talking about eating shrimp till I am full. Preferably in my own home. Where no one can judge me. And I don’t care if the ocean calls and says they are running out of shrimp.

TEA EMERGENCIES INCLUDE: Tea exists, and is not currently being consumed by me. Thanks.

I will never understand how or why people like rose petal lady and paper towel lady are tolerated. I understand why servers have to tolerate them, but I don’t understand why managers allow that to be the case. Just tell them to get the fuck out. No one who acts that way is likely to have the credibility to…

In the last couple years of my grandma’s life, she stopped giving any fucks and would wear slippers out to dinner. She would get up from the table the very instant she finished her food and race out to the car, no matter where in the meal the rest of us were. And she upped her one glass of Sauvignon blanc with ice…

I say you call them an odd, because they literally can’t even.

My cat, who once opened a microwave oven while the popcorn was popping, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once destroyed a floor-to-ceiling lamp with her butt, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once fell off a bookshelf at 3 AM only to land butt-first on my face (catass…