The piece summarizes a decade of therapy with Greta,

I’d like for the dickbags who came up with and enforce this requirement to wear 6” stilettos for the same shifts these waitresses work for 1 month and see how they feel. After that, I’d like for said heels to be shoved up their asses - right next to where their heads live.

Back in the mid 8o’s I worked at the restaurant in SOHO and the bass player from David Letterman lived upstairs, he came in almost everyday and was a zero tipper and would often leave without paying his check, (why the owner out up with his baloney?). Worst was when his large trashy family would come to visit him from…

Back in the day, when I worked at The 50’s Diner From Hell, we were near an Air Force base, and I never got a bad tip from a single enlisted person. And they were polite, and didn't leave huge messes. I loved seeing uniforms come through the door!

Somehow, I’m now just imagining you sitting at a computer in the wee hours of the morning, only by the light of the screen, with tabs on tabs of food porn, just cackling uncontrollably. The kind of uncontrollable cackle that is usually reserved for the villains of cheesy movies or kids TV shows.

And also, why the fuck isn’t an official order of protection automatically applied without the victim needing to put it into place? Automatic no contact order with severe penalties, for the victim’s convenience y’all.

these low-rise jeans demand confidence, strategy—and let’s be honest, some crunches

I agree, but I don’t think they should get their own special meal. I have friends who make themselves one meal, and their three kids THREE separate meals. Every night. Hells, no.

The only thing that needs to be added to a shawarma dinner is my gaping mouth vortex obliterating it.

When I went home to visit my family once a couple years ago, forgetting how much of a “Jersey diner” family they are, my father was driving me around and asked where I wanted to go for lunch. I asked him about the new Persian restaurant I’d heard had opened up nearby, and started going on about the deliciousness of…

Yep. BE the parent. “You’re not hungry eh? You can leave the table. No you don’t get dessert if you can’t eat that side of the chicken. We don’t play that way.” But kids are individuals - I begged for brussels sprouts, artichokes and asparagus (got sent to the car with poor Mom when I insisted on lobster at 5) and my…

Kids should be required to at least try anything before they reject it because “it looks funny,” though. I don’t agree with making kids eat everything they hate, but they damn sure shouldn’t get to sit in their plain-hamburgers-with-ketchup-and-maybe-plain-cheese-pizza comfort zone all the time (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, MY…

“Here, we see a server remove the packaging from a frozen cheesecake that arrived on truck this morning to be thawed in a cooler. And so begins and ends our tour of Obscene Selection of Cheesecakes.”

Thank you so much for that link. Around my late-teens to early-20s I developed an allergy to pineapple, but only to fresh pineapple, not canned. When I first developed (or maybe it’d be more accurate to say first noticed) the allergy I was too scared to try grilling fresh pineapple to see if it gave me a reaction. Now…

One of my friends has a severe gastrointestinal reaction to strawberries. Years ago, his ex-boyfriend decided it was all psychological and started sneaking strawberries into things like morning smoothies to prove my friend wasn’t really allergic. After a few months the boyfriend said “Ha! I’ve been sneaking…

My abuser was POSITIVE that I was cheating on him with the absolute certainty that one gets when fueled with alcohol and assorted drugs and fed inflammatory information by the morons that you are out to all hours of the night with. He came from a long line of abusers who followed the exact same pattern and how I wish…

“Forgive me please, but that’s what you get when you play with people’s emotions.”

I’m pregnant and hormonal, and now my dogs are very concerned about my sobbing. That is just beautiful and makes me so happy.

EVERYTHING about that makes my cold little heart burst with joy and real tears come to my eyes, oh my god. All of the shit that couple has probably had to put up with for 40 years, the kindness from a stranger I wasn’t expecting kindness from (I’m an asshole), the special leis (because why the hell not!?)...you win…

I once had a customer who ordered a cheeseburger with Swiss but got cheddar. When the mistake was realized, I apologized and offered her a free cookie. She replied, “Honey, if this is the worse thing to happen to be today, then I’ve got a pretty good life.” After getting bitched at by stuck up college kids and…