Marzipan is a fucking lie. “Ooops, messed up this formula for brick mortar.” “Well, don’t waste it! Give it here and I’ll spackle it all over the dry-as-the-dust-of-Mars gingerbread house I’m building for the kids’ Christmas!”

This is something I drew years ago...the Holy Carp, complete with tiny Crucifish.

I guess those people are ictheists? DAMMIT someone got in ahead of me.

Perhaps they were Salmon-Day Adventists and had a slightly different interpretation of Cod than the restaurant offered?

Ichtheists?

I have it on very good authority from Strawberry Shortcake that Blueberry Muffin’s vagina* does, in fact, taste like blueberry.

The soup of the day is usually Hitler miss, but I’m sure you’ll just Goebbels up today’s gestapo soup.

This was back oh about 15 years give or take.

My reaction to Paleo is “Slaughter a mammoth with a stone spear tied to a stick or GTFO.” WE DO NOT LIVE IN PREHISTORIC TIMES, PEOPLE. WE HAVE CONQUERED FIRE AND HAVE AIR CONDITIONING NOW.

This. “Do you work here?” While I’m holding a drill and am moving shelves on a display. One time I just want to be like, “Nah. I go into random stores with drills and fuck with the shelves until they kick me out.”

Oh everyone but Dave raved about the menu, it was a pretty fantastic professional debut I have to say.

Missed opportunity here. After the ambulance left, Dana should have asked the quartet, “Did you still want a pizza? Try praying for one. See how that works out for you.”

Lets see, once I lent the truck to a friend who proceeded to pick up day laborers with it from Home Depot. Now whenever I go there I get swarmed by them. Then I let my brother in law borrow it to move. He of course goes and picks up a day laborer to help. And I keep a whole bag of straps, rope, etc in my back seat,…

It really perplexes me why anyone would want to borrow a truck anyway. It’s like $20/hr. or $100/day to just rent one at Home Depot. Way easier than waiting until you can borrow a truck. Many of my relatives thought I was crazy for buying a little car. “But what if you need to haul something?” Dude, with what I save…

How about identifying bullshit comments?

1) Use the coupons for the hottest salsa you can get.

We need a mandatory high school class in workers rights in this country. Like the year that you’re eligible to work you attend a class where they talk about minimum wage, hourly pay and wage theft, sexual harassment, workplace injuries and your rights in regards to them, and all the other crap that can happen on the…

There used to be a woman named Mary (not her real name) in our accounting office who used to semi-jokingly say that the company wouldn’t dare fire her because she had a ‘doomsday’ file.

The guy is okay, but the woman is awful from the second she sits down. Nothing is good enough for her, she’s not ready to order when she says she’s ready, she won’t make eye contact—the sort of completely entitled person who thinks servers are lower than dog shit. It takes her a lifetime to make up her mind on…

A few nights ago, one of my Papa Johns co-workers fell down as he was about to put a pizza in the oven. Amazingly, he still got the pizza into the oven even as he was falling down. It was pretty remarkable.