My dad asks me that "What are you going to do with your life?" question every time I see ihm, and every time I answer, I say, "I plan to prostitute myself on the Vegas strip, and use the profits to buy heroin. Every girl's dream."

I thought THIS was TV's biggest charlatan! Monorail, monorail, monorail!

I now bid ya'll goodnight.

I'm pretty sure this would work on me at 34. YES to cheese, sir. YES to robots.

"I shall avenge you!"

Actually, parks are for everyone, not just human children. To be clear, my dogs are always on leash, but I get a bit incensed when parents think the fucking world revolves around them and their child.

"Why is your penis on a dead girl's phone?"

"A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing it. I don't know how they...how do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women.…

I love Patrick Stewart so much, I am thinking about getting a Real Doll made to look just like him. Then we can have tea parties and he can be all bald and clever right there in my living room.

This is exactly the point I'm making. You draw a line in the sand with your kids. If you act like a fool, I will take you home immediately. I don't care if we are on the surface of the moon. I remember when were kids and my brother kicked a kid at Chuck E. Cheese. Guess what my dad did? He took all of us home. …

Eh, I've seen more impressive closets:

The best thing about aging is that the older I get, the fewer fucks I give about the opinions of dickwads like these.

Right. Heterosexual, cisgendered, happily married man in his 30's who definitely felt the, "Every girl's friend, no girl's boyfriend," shit in high school/college.

Ugh what a touchy situation. Here's my lesbian chef two cents. I think this is one of those situations where that disclosure of perspective is relevant.

Middle child side eye

If you want to find your dream job, just go to grad school and it will fix that problem. Grad school is where dreams go to die.

I beg to differ, I once had my dream job of sleeping and eating and binge watching TV and it was awesome.

I must say, I have zero reverence for religious symbols. To say it is thousands of years old does not lend it sacrosanct status. Even more so, there is much reason for some to purposefully debase Hinduism, much in the same way that critics of Christianity might invert the cross. Of course, the irony of the inverted…