Done.

I googled "humping shark" hoping to find a nice image for you and ended up with a bunch of videos of people humping inflatable sharks. Watching them feels a lot like boning bee guy. Just really wrong and like things didn't really match up.

As a college freshman I thought I was hot shit going after a senior RA the first week on campus. I wasn't even attracted to him, but was swept up by all that authority. Oh, the power! One thing led to another, and when things began to get hot and heavy he bent his lips into my ear. My mind raced with excitement. …

So right after a shitty break up this summer I hit up an old booty call from OKCupid. He was really cool, but the sex. Oh god.

I already posted about this once, but... I dated and fucked a guy who would stand up on the bed to switch positions. And that wasn't the weirdest part - he'd keep thrusting. He had a slight belly and serious sexing face, so he looked not unlike an angry bee with his dick as the stinger.

Push it real good!

Oh, man, where should I begin? I have a scroll of bad choices.

Woooooot! I'd high five my fellow winning klutzes but we'd probably all end up needing stitches and casts.

Going to be lazy from my castle here in Victory Village and just quote something I posted elsewhere on Jezebel back in September because it fits:

A women who I met on a train back from London (took about 40 mins) as I was fairly drunk. She asked to come back to mine so I thought why not. On the way she kept groping the taxi driver and telling woeful jokes including inviting him back for a 3some. We still banged which says a lot about me (below average sex) but…

Young lady approached me on the bus—

This ballerina dude who was in charge of "gospel dance" at his new age-y church. When we were done, he rolled off, and put a handmade hemp bracelet on me with five different colored beads.

Got all busy on the dance floor with this hot Latin dude. We went back to his place, got naked, and we weren't even undressed two minutes and his load was all over my stomach. Expecting to continue and push through to another orgasm I stayed in bed all sexy-like preparing for more. He looked at me quizzically and…

When did Sloth play for the White Sox?

I have slept with so many embarrassing people. I made a lot of poor decisions in my late teens/early 20s. I lost my virginity to a 16 year old drug dealer when I was 18. And then I slept with him again a couple weeks later because I thought it might make me feel like it was a thing and not just a truly horrible idea.…

Ah, tweens. Never stop being little raging psychopaths. I promise you the hormones will even out eventually.

hahahaha i know. i cannot for the life of me understand any of it and yet i respect the INSANE VIBE 10000%. my favorite is THANKS FOR MAKING OUR FANDOM DIAPER

this is the best photoshop job EVER.

FTFY. Seriously, teenage girls are insane on the internet. I am never letting my kids have access to social media.

...thank...you...?