Songs count if performed on guitar, but not piano. (Look, nobody can be held responsible for the pure sexual power of a man playing the piano, ok? Spontaneous piano-playing ups the Vaginas Touched Through Music count to incalculable levels.) Violin counts, but not viola. Also, cello, but not bass. Bass never…

Extra bonus points if you're a gynaecologist

Bonus points for including his mom's in the count.

Whatever happened to letting people find out you're crazy the old-fashioned way?

San Marino is like 80% Asians now...if you like your kids to know how it feels to be a minority, then move there.

You're worried about people being sad because Jesus got dissed?

"Jesus is really into oral, your honor."

Ugh, can we stop wasting time and resources on arresting people for totally harmless shit?

Please, Britney's handlers, let her retire to Louisiana with her boys and her money. Let her become fat and happy. Let her quietly receive the treatment she needs.

"If Tibetan magic is so strong, how did the Communist Chinese still managed to kick their asses?"

My friend teaches science in an elementary school in San Diego. She was just informed that there's a whooping cough outbreak at the school, which has only been in session for two weeks. I really believe it's going to take deaths and disability until parents take vaccinations seriously. The risks of vaccines seem so…

Preach it! And may I add, fuck those people who think dressing all fancy with lots of attention to detail is just a basic part of the social contract. That it somehow makes you more considerate if you want to look "presentable" (i.e. attain a beauty standard that is more doable with money and leisure time) in public.…

If I have to sit on a seat built for a capuchin monkey, terrified to recline it lest I get stabbed, you bet I'm wearing sweats. I'd wear a toga if I had one.

This is a plot by the Vegan agenda.

Okay, I've explained to people a few times that a $150K salary in the Midwest goes ever so much farther than it does in DC, NYC or LA. That whole cost of living/insane real estate thing.

That's an extraordinarily dumb thing to say and one I've only heard from middle-class people in developed countries who seem to start caring a lot about global poverty when it helps them win an argument. It is impossible for a person making $9/hr in America to cut back, especially in urban areas. It's almost…

This is the angriest I've ever been since they passed that ridiculous tax on diamond encrusted opera glasses.

Yes, my $9.00 an hour salary would go really far in rural India, but if I were in rural India I wouldn't have a $9.00 an hour job. See how that works?

It's a thing, I guess. Reading the books, it seemed obvious but I thought I was just projecting. If you're gay, you notice it. If you're not gay, you need to take a moment, like when your favorite uncle finally comes out. Some get over the moment, and some start throwing the cranberry sauce.