Tweezing out the spiky widdle chin-hairs as they appear. Don’t worry for long, girls— Father Time will soon bring this glorious routine to YOU, too! Hooray aging!

But be warned: once you go the alternative route, diamonds will never be attractive to you again, and you will spend most of your time wondering why people are so charmed by such a colorless rock. And you’ll glance at your jewel constantly noticing how it is different varying hues in different lights, and feeling sad…

Don’t forget that one of them was a vegetarian. They wouldn’t have made it half a block before losing their strength and succumbing to the elements.

It’s like our old money: 12 pennies in a shilling, 20 shillings in a pound. And going back even further, a guinea was 21 shillings. It made it harder for foreigners to tell when we were swindling them. At school, we had to do our multiplication tables up to 12.

This isn’t technically a blackout story, but here goes. Was in Jamaica in 1998 (this is important later) with a girlfriend staying at one of those “all inclusive” places-all you can eat food AND drink. Anyway, we were laying on the lounges pretty close to the water all morning and into the afternoon, drinking the rum…

What’s the name for someone who gets drunk but spends the whole time thinking about how to act sober and takes care of everyone else because God forbid anyone think they’re drunk?

I knew I was a Mary Poppins before I even read the descriptions. This recent Onion article sums me up:

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think “oh crap, it’s the cops”?

Dear Pluto,

It is a little funny that a self proclaimed pacifist who just came out to Vegas to serenade a race baiting hype machine as he walked down to fight another man in a cage (full disclosure: I am a self proclaimed pacifist who likes watching MMA and is a fan of the aforementioned fighter despite the bullshit he has…

To Wong Foo + Australia - Drag Queens = Muriel’s Wedding

And laughing at salads!

Sorry, too busy shopping, having periods and crying to reply.

Smartest thing I ever did, just ahead of ditching the loser who knocked me up.

I love this one, especially f this stops the silly sweetheart bustierre bare arms dress trend!

Man butts are so square sometimes! I told Mr Parade that his looks likes two white castle sliders nestled together and I think he’s still made at me -__-

She also organizes my colognes and combs.

Poor Alex. He’s not allowed to eat anything but rare air at House Hilaria.

“Ladies leave your bags at home, the store is full of paper ones and totes make me groan.

I have literally no idea who these people are or why they keep smelling their fingers or why this woman abuses eyebrow pencil so badly.