first football game, first kiss (doesn’t count because it was part of a play but still), first beer, first love (unrequited), first Metallica concert, first cigarette, first pube, etc.

Yeah, fuck that doomsday clock, and thank you for saying it. The other thing from having that trotted out all the time is it destroys the credibility of anyone who obsesses over it and lowers the bar way, way too far.

But on the other hand, soups and stews.

I cannot WAIT to see Mike Vrabel’s red zone calls. If every drive doesn’t involve linebackers being part of, like, flea flickers and Statue of Liberty plays, I will be disappointed

“but I’m baffled that a dude who went 9-23 in Cleveland and had a tenure so invisible that even Browns fans don’t remember it would suddenly become a hot commodity again.”

I’m going to be buried with this

Absolutely. Brady was going to get drunk and party with hookers the night before the game, but after this? He’s going to do everything he can to win for sure!

Maybe it’s not a coincidence that the NFL team that has had the most success in this century also had to deal with the league’s greatest tragedy.

pretty sure the patriots made that airplane disappear too. try to disprove it. I’ll wait

FACT: Nobody has been murdered by Aaron Hernandez since the Patriots cut him. You can all thank them now.

Swap out the player’s name and criminal offense and you could write this same dumb bullshit about every team in the fuckin’ NFL.

His column is fucking mindroasting:

I live in Hartford. People STILL walk around, in huge numbers, with Whalers gear. Our new minor league baseball team uses the Whalers colors, intentionally. Every political protest in the city has a minimum of 2 placards stating “Bring back the Whale.” We can’t talk about investing money in our infrastructure unless…

Look, I can’t believe Hartford had a team to begin with. And I lived through that period.

Based on the attendance in the video, it actually looks like a Hartford game.

As a former Whalers season ticket holder and someone who has their tickets to the playoff games that never were (after we lost that ‘92 post-season opener) framed in his office, I will just politely say:

Did the exact. same. thing. Some of the best nights were Bruins games and my drunk heroes brawled it out in the upper decks over exactly what I’m not sure, but it was glorious.

I’ve got fond memories of going to Whalers games in high school. We’d buy the nose-bleediest seats in that shithole arena, knowing full well we’d be able to slowly sneak down to good seats by the middle of the second period. We were too young to buy beer but not too young to laugh as some drunk schmuck would throw…

As a Whalers fan: Fuck you. You lose the rights to use the jerseys, music, or whatever the second the organization left.

As a 32 year old Connecticut resident, they can go fuck themselves. That’s our song. You stole the team you can at least leave us our shitty kitschy song. It’s all we have left.