Jesus Christ. I feel like the cab driver in Old School.

“Once we the church door closed, I let her have it. I jammed my finger in her chest and told her, “You let me down.” And then I burst into tears.”

Oh for fuck’s sake Drew. The overgrown man-child shtick works really well in small doses, please save this shit for Hamilton Nolan or Jezebel.

“I may have to wear some kind of arm diaper under this thing”

I’m fortunate not to have to deal with cockroaches. Now...house centipedes on the other hand. They can fuck right off.

Look on the bright side, if you’re being murdered by a canibalistic redneck you’re not actually alone

Speaking as a veteran, this isn’t quite accurate:

You got it. People of conscience and patriotism should stay clear, and the only people who should be in the military now are those who are 1000% on board with Trumpistan, so when the military is called forth to preserve the autocrat’s power, they’ll be fully staffed with those who have no issues with firing on…

Just look at the good Americans she beat out. They are literally starving.

Tom’s just scared because he married an immigrant. One who probably took modeling jobs from needy U.S. models.

Absolutely. I play as wide receiver and run exactly 10 yards down the sideline every down. The opposition can either cover me like normal and the QB never looks my way, or they leave me uncovered and I catch a couple of passes from an all-star QB before I sprint/fall out of bounds.

Question: Would you play in the Pro Bowl for $30,000? You gotta play the whole team on offense or defense and you can pick your position.

Really, how hard was the hit? Did Alexander ring Graham’s bell?

A Seahawk had a problem with how somebody else plays football?

He’s no George Washington. I heard that motherfucker had, like, thirty goddamn heads.

Peyton Manning: A head for business, a head for policy, a head for compassion and a head for America. Peyton Manning: Four Heads.

He’ll receive two paychecks because he also drives the team bus.

+1 bindle

Washington football: the open boxcar of the NFL.

Where’s Rodgers?

Hogan always looks like he’s just seen a ghost.