• 17. Post-wedding ceremony beer

I played in the same little league Frank Thomas did, about 10 years later. I was a big, lumbering first baseman, and he was most definitely my hero for a while. My crowning achievement was beating his distance record in the home run derby when I was 12. Then I stopped growing, never learned to hit a curve ball, and…

Shit, I could have bought her a new Bentley for less money.

Still no word on why MLS needs 21 teams, but whatever.

Possessed by the ghost of George Wallace.

I agree with everything you just wrote, except your bizarre reverence for capital-F "Football."

Totally. I have a 15 year old cousin who is constantly posting to facebook about how much tequila she drinks and weed she smokes. Then again, she's friends with her parents, grandparents, and folks like me on there, and nobody seems to say anything, so I guess there aren't really any consequences for her. It's…

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Same team. I'm pretty sure that one's some weird goal celebration.

Uncle Sam was dressed in Cascadia colors as a symbol of regional pride, not in Timbers colors. Nice use of the word gauche, though.

I also think the order of the words was influenced by the space between the support posts. CLUB fit quite nicely in the smaller middle section.

My money would have been on his fellow columnist, C. Trent Rosencrans (Esq., IV) to get the vapors from such language.

Nice try, but we all know Paula Deen's never gotten physical for a minute in her life.

Broadcast live from Africa, where it's always 1972.

I'm disappointed that the tattoo version of himself has no tattoos. He needs to get a hall-of-mirrors touchup to that one.

He nicknamed his mouth Denny, cuz it's always open.