Three things: one Bourbon, one Scotch, one beer.

But my cell phone is my only friend.

I have a terrible memory. After a few years, I can remember which concerts I went to, but no details. I still don’t see the point of taking photos and videos though. To me, it’s something you enjoy in the moment, and then you move on.

And it’s hot there. When I was a poor, young lass trying to get through an NYC summer without air conditioning, I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s every night while sitting in an ice cold bath with a fan blowing on me. Now that I add it all up, my ice cream budget could have funded an air conditioner.

I’ve spent at least that much on booze, so I can’t hate.

The thing is, more people are seeing pics of that sneaker now. I never heard of it before this post.

An Ulta saleswoman tried to sell me an eyebrow pencil by saying that the Kardashians had made eyebrows an important beauty trend. Maybe their employee handbook tells them to throw in Kardashian references whenever possible.

Me too. I haven’t noticed any stink problem.

SO MUCH THIS. The women in my office spend so much time talking about their diets. Especially on office birthdays, when everyone is clustered around a cake and not eating it.

I never use my garbage disposal, because I’ve heard that it can attract rats, but my mother puts everything in hers. She will cook a meal, decide that she doesn’t like it, and will dump the whole thing down the disposal. I don’t understand why she doesn’t put it in the trash instead. But yeah, for some reason,…

Her job is to take care of her rich husband’s winkie.

I wouldn’t have waited four years. One week and I would have hired a drifter to take care of things.

Unless he cheated on you and you’re trying to get back at him.

I’m already grossed-out by hotel rooms. I really did not need to know this!

I’m happy about this, because I need more reasons to not meet people from dating apps. Now I won’t make myself consider someone just because he doesn’t seem terrible. I can just tell myself, “he doesn’t seem terrible, but he listens to Skrillex, so nope.”

I know right? Especially when sack cloth and ashes are so affordable and earth friendly.

People only think this looks good because Beyonce is wearing it.

What about a zombie apocalypse though? We’ll need our guns then.

Here’s my idea: allow guns, but require all of them to be pink with swarovski crystals on the handle. Straight men would have to overcome their fear of looking girlie to carry them. That would cut down on all the insecure macho types with guns.

It helps that you’re on an island. Johnny Depp couldn’t even smuggle in two tiny dogs!