Golf, haggis, whiskey, Loch Ness, Mike Myers in a fat suit, the little redhead girl with the big hair, and Mel Gibson is the King, or something. That’s what Americans know of Scotland. My grandparents were Irish. I know the drill.

Why? You don’t like Americans hearing your accent and making “shrimp on the ‘barbie” jokes?

Of course you are. Lots of handsome bartenders spend their time whining online about how womenz have it sooo much easier than men.

Nah, I’m pretty sure you’d be repulsive no matter the gender.

‘Cause they’re not stupid like you. You do tend to stand out.

This is why you’re stupid. Gender is not just a function of genitalia.

Oh, look...

But that’s everybody.

Some guy named “War Machine” wants to talk to you.

Didn’t make her kill her daughters, but it sure as hell made it easier to do it.

I like to remind those wannabe Patriots that it’s difficult to wield their Chuck Norris Special Edition AR-15 when an airburst grenade from an XM25 shatters every tooth in their goddamn head.

I think you’re being pretty generous on both counts.

I’d like to think there aren’t that many rape apologists out there...but I’d be wrong.

Stanford Alumus, are ya?

I dunno, I’ve always thought she was cute (and funny and brave and a badass).

Because it illustrates how incredibly ridiculous it is to compare women’s justifiable fears of violence with men’s insecurity. The latter doesn’t even belong in the same conversation with the other, and it’s insulting to women to claim that they’re equally important.

Do you take it out and wave it at women when you barge into the bathroom?

I am so very sorry.

As a man, I have to tell you, the fact that you think your fears of rejection are important enough to to be relevant in a discussion about fears of actual bodily harm is embarrassing.

A lot of men (like me) are totally okay with that quote, and don’t take it as an offense against men. Because we know it’s true, and that its truth isn’t a slight against men. It’s an acknowledgement of what women have to deal with.