I guess he should have his firearms seized if he hears voices, right?

Please don’t forget us logistics workers. We are doing all we can to deliver everything the world needs to their doorsteps. Work is scary right now.

My toilet might need a pregnancy test. I am a sinner.

Sure, it’s only $12K, but keep in mind you’re gonna have to pay to get it reupholstered.

Terlet sangria.

We all know this is going to end terribly.

Tobias and his stupid heart. 

I feel like you’re about to drop a mountain of evidence on us.

I’m a Deadspin castoff and have nowhere else to go. Thanks for the photos. Boo men!

Hooray Illinois! We did something we actually intended to do!

I can outrun Phil Mickelson. I am 44 and follow the John Daley life plan.

Akiem Hicks did have his arm nearly bifurcated, so...

Chris Thompson is a sensitive little bitch. Fight me.

They’re trapped on stairs?

Looks like he’ll be suiting up in orange this year. Either in prison, or as a member of the Bengals.

So, You are talking about my former boss Troy and a guy I used to work with named Jesus. I think I get it.

I don’t know what any of those things are.

Fake Sport. Real Injuries.

You are loved. I just want you to know that you are loved.