I saw the Fuck Punts open for the Pixies in 1989.

It is nice to know that when money is not a factor a sports league will do the right thing.

My understanding is that he's well regarded as a position coach/coordinator. He'll probably always be able to get a well paying job, thankfully. It's fun to joke about his background but I'd rather have a league full of Tomsulae than dipshit sons of 1980s NFL coaches.

The actual Tomsula Index is a list of businesses that will let you use their bathroom without having to buy anything. 

“We don’t exist.”

Geneva gonna see anything better.

Dude, you're a relatively famous person with a relatively big following on social media. I get the impulse to do something like this but you canton expect to get away with it.

I wondered the other day, why don’t we just hold human races?

It’s just wearing a fancy hat and betting money on a professional track meet. It elicits the same exact highs and lows of watching a horse/dog race. The athletes can even give themselves stupid nicknames like all the horses have, if they want.

I used to date a line cook and together we just amplified each other’s unhinged eating habits. It was fun but not sustainable!

As long as there's still no laws against mailing threatening letters

They came for the dog fighting, and I didn’t speak up.

It’s a Murdoch rag, so the checks probably wouldn’t amount to much to begin with.

That’s Gold, Jerry!

Yep. Apparently, when I was in kindergarten, I came home and told my mother that some other girl hit me. My mom told me that if I hit her back, she’d stop (this was many, many years before “zero tolerance” policies towards bullying and the expectation that if a kid hit another kid, we had to have conferences about…

8th grade graduation: 100 lb soaking wet, braces, greasy hair, no tits

Was the picked on kid all through elementary so when I ended up going to a private high school in another arrondissement Itook the chance to be assertive. First week in three girls corner me in the locker room and try to push me around. I slam one into a locker. Punch the other in the stomach and whisper really  low…

Garden & Gun is my favorite magazine to read at the dentist

The worst financial advice comes courtesy of my mother (and I’m sure many other 80's kids born to baby boomer, immigrant parents can vouch for this): AlL dEbT iS bAd, DoN’t UsE cReDiT cArDs.

I’ve not seen anyone do this but I think the general rule of etiquette is to take the overhead as close to your seat as possible so you aren’t forcing people to travel to the back to find a spot and then go against the flow to get back to their seat.

The rule should be: You have to try to put your bag into the bin above your seat before you can try to put it anywhere else. If the bin above your seat is occupied, you can put your bag in another bin even if it isn’t above your seat. If the bin above your seat is occupied, you can try to make your stuff fit, but you…