Pssst—babies don't matter either! We only care if it's some sort of fetal stage. Once it's out of the uterus, it can stop whinging and pull up its own tiny bootstraps.

You know, I'd love to make a safe sex joke, but I'm kind of more interested in the sort of categorization that leads to a peanut butter and condoms drawer.

Are you nuts? Clearly we need to be on the lookout for a rogue parseltongue—for all we know there could be snakes disappearing from zoos all around the world. Muggles, flee for your lives!

Exactly—my life is pretty cool, overall. I like my work, I like my hobbies, I have an awesome apartment where I live with fantastic friends. But damnit, it would still be nice to have somebody whom I'm into, and who's into me; it's not a replacement for the rest of my generally kick-ass life, but it is still…

Oh, god, you're so me, down to the "exotic" looks (oh, god, stop me from killing the next person who says that). Serious dating? Zilch. Sexytimes? Veerrrryyy limited. People always act stunned by the fact that I don't have a boyfriend—the ones who are most stunned are often the ones who have spent entire nights deep…

Hahah, I keep at least two tubs in my fridge at all times, because it is a dark day when I'm out of it (and sometimes the local Fruiteries don't have it, and I'm forced to fall to my knees and scream "Nooooooooooo!" all Luke Skywalker-style).

I know, right? I love my Canadian products! (It even costs me slightly less because it's made in Quebec, where I live!)

Liberte full fat lemon yogurt. But don't try it, because it's mine.

Holy mother of fuck. I have always hated Dr. Phil, but I've never before felt such an intense urge to kick him right in the balls.

Hahah, I very well might do that, fangirl that I am. I would plotz if I got a personal message!

*Squee* I know! Now if I could only get him to personally deliver it. With Stephen Fry! And then we could all go for a beer, and it would be the most legendarily amazing birthday in history.

STFU, Hugh Laurie is releasing a blues album on my birthday? Why, thank you, Hugh, what a lovely gift! (No, seriously, I love Hugh Laurie and I love the blues—this is just awesome).

I agree with everything you've just said, desperately want to see that videso of your kitten, and would like ot express how appalled I am by the fact that Pound Puppy is beating werewolf. WTF, people? Pound Puppies aren't even alive!

There were kids with these sorts of allergies throughout my school experience, too, and still an absolute tonne at the school where my Mum works. These sorts of guidelines were standard—they were explained to the students, and, since we didn't want our classmates to die (being non-assholes), we managed to follow…

Seriously, though? I don't feel I need to know that my arms are "creepy" to you—I'm in my twenties. I've got visible veins on my hands and forearms. I always have. So do most people in my family. It really doesn't bother me, but seeing somebody look at a person like me and say "Eww, gross," is nevertheless a…

Well, I guess there's no chance of pacifying them now. This situation is completely Riddickulous.

Geez, look at all those protesters. What did Vin Diesel ever do to them?

Oh, please, no—just let them waste their time getting hacked off about petty bullshit, rather than harassing people in Japan with their proselytizing. Just pretend you don't notice their hypocrisy until they go away!

Hey, I figure I've built up a little movie-based goodwill, having been the one to introduce them to both "Hot Fuzz" and "Zombieland"—they owe me this one, damnit!

Got it! Now to force my roommates to watch it with me. Bwahahahah!