Can’t do fucking shocked. What I can do is fucking surprised.

REALLY, A TEAM BECOMES A WHOLE LOT WORSE AFTER TRADING FOR CARMELO ANTHONY???? COLOR ME FUCKING SHOCKED.

Producer: “Cue up something for the loss of Roy Halladay.”

Nothing out of the ordinary here, just your standard 21 dong salute.

Here’s Eli holding a tiny bucket.

If only he had millions of dollars to fall back on

Eli is screwed because he’s not good enough to start anywhere, has too many rings to be a backup without creating a QB controversy, and isn’t likable enough for a TV job. 

What the fuck dude? The toilet is right there. Just pee into the toilet. How the fuck do you get piss on your pants when you’re peeing sitting down? In your buttcrack? I don’t believe this for a second. Is your dick shaped like a giant U that points right back up your butt? No, no it is not.

Unless he has changed his legal name to “Jimmy Butler,” there is absolutely no sense in which Kris Dunn has turned into Jimmy Butler.

Watch this space for my upcoming article, “Deadspin Commenters Whose Reading Skills Are Butt.”

Uhhhh... Frank Kaminksy is on this list.

He’s the kind of person that flips board games over during family game night.

Eh.

Wasn’t this guy again, now was it?

Your 10-year-old sounds like a neat kid but, unfortunately, given that you have allowed him to be a Cowboys fan, I have reluctantly alerted Child Protective Services.

Your 10 year old is not a millennial. We’re like fucking 30 now dude.

Halo 5 runs at 4K, 60FPS. Forza will as well. Zoo Tycoon is 4K, 60 FPS. There’s a lot of 30 FPS stuff, but some games are hitting 60.

I thought the most expensive thing was this until they put it on sale

Why do soda 12-packs come in a 2x6 can box and beer 12-packs seem to always come in 3x4 can boxes? I don’t know if there’s an actual reason but if there isn’t let’s hear some theories.

Really? Never heard of that one.