You have typed possibly the greatest dad-level joke the internet has ever seen.

More like challenging Jackie Chan to a skeet shoot, then dislocating your shoulder from the recoil on the first shot.

Arnie is pretty much a RINO/Centrist Dem these days. 

Houdini died from drop kicking a retired bodybuilder?

The Last Action Zero

“Kicked it with Arnie once”

I believe dernit is the shortened form of galdernit. Perfectly acceptable*

Impeach.

It really won’t change anything. Trump could be caught on tape with Putin plotting to assassinate all of his political enemies and nothing would come of it. In fact, it would be spun into investigating Benghazi or Hillary's emails. Trump will never be convicted in the Senate and Barr will not take any action. 

I thought he just propositioned Basinger and then they had quiet, polite sex. I like my version better.

The “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” video. In hindsight I see I really needed to add some context:

Uh, what is Kim Basinger referring to there?

I’ve had a great deal of interaction with the olds, not only as a nurse, but also as someone who lived in Phoenix — snowbird central — for several years. I’d say your son’s opinion isn’t completely, entirely true, but it is a lot true. After all “too mean to die” is an expression that came about for a reason.

My son, one of the nicest people in the world, started working at 14 in a very high end retirement village. He’s was there about 3 months when he came home and said “You know, mom, it’s true the good do die young.”

Gene Simmons is also just as sweet as he is talented.

It’s because steel sheep are so rare...simple supply and demand my good dude!

It’s a pretty practical accessory, except for that one unfortunate incident in the 9-Volt Battery Store.

Since Gene Simmons is a fucking douchenozzle, here some of the things women have said about Tom Petty:

Of course he’s wealthy and powerful! A poor man could never afford a wig of fine steel wool!

Tom Petty is dead but this asshole is allowed to live?