Like a full body condom.

The Lollipop guild could kick this pussy’s ass.

Boy, Evil Incarnate Skin Care Line just blows.

Every single elf including Herbie from Rudolph sounds like a Polish ironworker next to this guy.

All the other CHUDS used to beat him up and take his lunch money.

Only if they’re actual liver, as per the original model.

There’s also a subset of human who, if they happen to “land” a particularly attractive mate, see it not as “man, I am so lucky that this amazing person wants to be with me” but a validation of entitlement; that is, FINALLY the universe got off its ass and started handing me the toothsome humans I deserve. Since I…

God sends angels when they’re needed!

Wow. 

Poor darling! 

WHATTTTT

Oh, honey.

I am VERY intrigued by the prostitute monument!

See, this is the kind of shit that makes me understand arsonists.

Man, in Soviet Russia come to life!

Also, Mallory, hijacking you because I’M STILL FUCKING GREY and I have a story that kind of parallels yours!

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL

I get soooo pissed when some asshole hits on me now--I’m 47! You’re supposed to ignore me! That was the one damn thing aging was supposed to do! YOU HAD ONE JOB, SAGGING BODY.

Yeah, but if you’d tried this as an employee of Papa Johns, she could have called your store/the phone center handling calls and reported you in real time to your direct boss. You probably would have been met at your car when you pulled in and taken to the office/fired.