Every single time I put on my uniform and arrive at work, I sit on the edge of my seat for hours, hardly able to contain my excitement as I eagerly await hearing the following phone exchange:

Dad- "Hello, police department? Could you please send an officer out to watch me slap someone around a little bit? Not hard…

I cannot answer your questions but just wanted to tell you that this is one of my all time favorite stream of consciousness style comments.

She actually converted the BMW to run on nail polish instead of gas. Premium brand polishes only, none of that Wet 'N Wild shit.

Takes about 3,000 bottles of nail polish to fill a tank but it's soooo worth it, the fumes are an aphrodisiac for lawyers.

Free food is cool, even if it is pretty gross. Because free.

But I still think that anyone who downloads an app to order fast food in a scheme to get multiple free Doritos Locos Tacos should have to eat every one of those tacos the same way people consume ortolans. Underneath a napkin shroud, hiding their face from…

Everyone loves an acronym (as evidenced by all those WWJD bracelets and such), but I don't think ZXGVULYWOPT is gonna catch on.

Christ, remind me to never pass out at a party with you around.

Waking up with a crude Sharpie dick on one's face is bad enough but you'd probably be all up in there incorporating cheek moles to represent some tiny obscure penis glands and making that shit a masterpiece.

I've extensively studied commercials that advertise Rx drugs, headache pills, heartburn relief meds etc, and they often show an anatomically correct drawing of a person (mouth open, a tube going from the mouth down into a circle area). So I've always assumed I had a pretty good grasp on the complex inner workings of…

Please draw a penis brain for the class.

It's weird, I'm actually pretty grateful for how easy the process is, and also the fact that I can even get insurance without having a job

Wanted to add- when I said to ignore him before it wasn't to be mean or vengeful, by the way. Hope you got that. I meant ignore him in a dog way- not patting or lovin' on him and just being stoic. Gives you the bonus of physical distance until you can read him/learn his warning signs or he calms down and adjusts.

Since you are experiencing intense emotions of sadness and grief and likely behaving as a person does in that situation, you probably look, sound and act differently to him right now (things like your posture, gait, voice pitch, pupil dilation and whatnot). Maybe he can't predict your behavior as well with these…

Yikes. Was hoping you'd say he came close but stopped short of his own volition and snapped at the air but it sounds like if he could have gotten your face, he would have.

You've gotten some good advice above so I'll just add that if I were you I would abandon efforts to be sweet to the dog and ignore him as much as…

Eat all the cheese, you're RegularParrot. You don't get constipated- it's right there in your name!

I'm really sorry for your loss. Losing your pup is bad enough but having to deal with this when you need dog snuggles more than ever sounds awful.

Maybe Oreo is aggressive out of fear/a fear biter (on account of the hitting and mixed messages from your dad- perhaps he is unsure of or scared of people and their hands,…

Ugghhh the description of someone openly coughing into your face made me want to slap that stranger. Quick and light on their cheek before they can even close their mouth, like a slap from a tiny old lady who has just heard an obscenity.

I don't know but this shit is virulent. Caught it 5 days ago while traveling to visit relatives and it hit me within 12 hours of arrival- I was holed up in a darkened guest room for the entire visit like a cave crawler from The Descent. Since then every single person who was at the house (except for ONE guy but he's…

Checking in. Sick like whoa and the doctors seemed to think this mutant cough was worthy of some deeeluxe codeine syrup, so I'll toast you with that. It's pretty strong so I'll probably pass out long before I get the chance to play my beloved* annual "Firework or Gunshot?!" NYE game.

*I do not love this game, greatly…

Adults who are not house painters or old-timey train conductors wearing overalls = not at all adorable

Twitter trolling Hannity is a lot like being a Christian.

If you call a relative out for making a terrible racist joke and they think that being offended by racism is a divisive political issue or only about current events, BAIL.