Look, they wouldn't have been angry if you had just remembered to give them the receipt!

When I was a toddler, I would always try to eat burnt wood because it looked like black rock candy. Sadly, this is essentially my earliest memory and not too far of a stretch from my intelligence level now.

This job would be perfect. You get to be on a moral high horse, while not actually hurting the people you are shaming in the process. Plus, you'd get to legally light things on fire!

People never believe me when I tell them that Divine truly is the shit.

Racist!!!!!!!!!

That was me at work this morning when I accidentally hit play and couldn't bring myself to pause it.

I'm so sure that this is the case because I have the overwhelming sense that if I were ever to meet him I would break down and cry about my own inadequacy in the light of so much perfection.

Shut your mouth; I love his ear!

Just another one of God's creatures that are unbelievably more disgusting than I originally thought!

Yes, actually women doing things about women!

So say we all! Hit it, space Bob Dylan!

By the time she reaches her first birthday, croissants will be no more. Only Cronuts will be served (or in this case Kronuts).

Kalamity Jane would have been incredible. I would only laud that name.

Yes, I think the reason I like it so much is because Kimya Dawson is so great.

I'm so frustrated that you or anyone would have this type of experience, but I am so happy you got in the best line possible for this situation.

Wow, the Japenese sure didn't have any fucks to give about illustrating that they were occupying Cambodia.

Yes to all of the above. Let's meet up in debtors prison and talk about the good times

No! Now I have to waste willpower to prevent myself from going to tvtropes so that I don't get stuck in a non-productivity infinite loop.

This line killed the Classics major in me when I first heard it. Not just because it's wrong, but because this line would be so good if corrected and "Spartan" has the same number of syllables and end rhyme as Roman. So close, Yeezus!

If children are masturbating this early, it means we need some prenatal sex ed!