Take that Brian McCann you fat fuck.

Well, when you have a family like this...

Soon, we’ll be able to start tracking her movements. We can tag her, follow her by satellite, and monitor her migration patterns. We will learn how many are in her herd, and if they’re collecting the core materials of caramel to bring back to their home habitats.

That reminded me of something.

‘Shopped actually, here’s the source material:

Some people do try a different tack and just claw their way back to sanity, even if someone’s chasing them out the back of the restaurant. Or they put a soft face on it and claim victimization - someone’s framing them, they never mauled anyone, and that’s just the customer’s o-peen-ion.

He doesn’t really know that much about foreign policy beyond scripted talking points. But he knows how to LOOK like he knows what he’s talking about, until he’s actually asked a pointed question that requires him to dig deep. Then, just watch him sweat.

I won’t get the chance to listen to this as it goes up against my favorite podcast Cereal which is about a paranoid Irishman who has a small treasure horde and he describes the various times in his life he thought people were trying to rob him.

I wonder how much of it is the Chiefs’ players “trying too hard,” as they say, to avoid putting Reid in the position to fuck up the end of the second half like he did the first and like he did the Super Bowl with the Eagles.

The word “Mansplain” makes me think of the Rick and Morty world where all proper nouns begin with schmla for some reason:

“Did you accidentally pick up your husband’s magazine?”

Relax, Natalie. People hate The Phantom Menace way more than they hate Garden State.

It's like she only knows phrases, not individual words.

For almost three weeks I worked at a subway in a not great part of a not great town. The manager decided that even though I was just a 16 year old girl, I could be totally alone for the last hour of some nights. This is also the early 90’s, so no cell phones. They had a phone by the cash register and one in back, but…

1) Use the coupons for the hottest salsa you can get.

Oh GOD, I’ve just remembered the one my sister told me about the boy she had a crush on at High School. Bear with me, it’s a long one. It’s also a wee bit painful.

This is kinda triggering for me, bc we are almost at the 30-year mark. It’s probably not funny, or strange, but it will be cathartic to write.

The summer before I turned 13 my boobs came in and my uncle died. Because of my rapidly developing body, I didn’t have any clothes to wear to the funeral, so my mom had to take me clothes shopping. She would lose her patience with me pretty rapidly, so I ended up buying a ton of ill-fitting grey items and a bra (for…

I was about ten, and my mom’s best friend’s mother died. She was a miserable old bitch, best pictured as a cross between Tony Soprano’s mom and Mrs. Burn’s mom. Just awful and did nothing but spew hatred at everyone.