You need to convince him that the Illuminati is using chemtrails to tilt the earth and that he’s going to fall off.

I’ll accept this. Marzipan is equal parts sneaky, dirty, floof, and cute.

Guys, I have a real option that may make life awesome! Because lawn care! (I hate everything). But am having a hard time reconciling.

Wait...you got a tattered coat? Niiice. Can I get those digits and/or the last nine digits of your SSN and your mother’s maiden name?

There’s a farm behind my office, and the owner has between 3 and 5 peacocks (we also have foxes in our area and have heard rumors from the maintenance guys) that LOVE to stand by the doors, hoping to get in.

Fearless: Go ahead. Try. Pet the heavenly cat tummy, bitch. Go for it. WHAT’S MY NAME BITCH!

My Winpin thought he'd try to see what went on behind the shower curtain once upon a time. Emphasis on the once.

Three words: Large. Butterfly. Net.

Marzipan has a non-mud mode?

I mean this nicely...but Pete has probably murdered no fewer than three hookers and dumped their bodies in the Hudson.

If I’m standing in this showers slow drain, backed up water, that counts as washing my feet, right?

I went to college to make my parents happy, but 12 years later at 30 (and even while in college) I still HATE not having gone to a trade school. Yeah, college is an experience (that taught me how to be an alcoholic while holding an IT job), but it was 100% the wrong path for me.

The 'weird cat meme doesn't work if you post pics with actual cats, you jerk -_-

...and that's when the hauntings started...

My company was in the top 99% percentile in satisfaction in dealing with external and internal customer contacts. The head of our department left about 6 months ago.

If you don’t turn on that sink whilst cackling maniacally, we can’t be friends anymore.

Fooseball is the debbil, Bobby!

The ultra-violencing left refuses to accept our illegal gerrymandering and voter suppression. UNFAIR!

Such a sheeperson libtard antifa! You don't even care how hard it is to dictator

Entitlement is a helluva a drug.