FILLIAM H. MUFFMAN 4 LYFE

Forget Piers Morgan? Done. So, what’s for dinner?

Oh, sweet fancy Jesus, who gave Bill Clinton Snapchat?

“How do women still go out with guys, when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men? We’re the number one threat to women! Globally and historically, we’re the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women.”

I think she does when she stops trying to be cool and just demonstrates that she is seriously competent. I like her more the fewer fucks she gives.

On the serious, me too. I really want Hillary to hire a drag queen as a debate coach. She’s got the skills to read and with a little training I think she could destroy him without mussing her pantsuit.

The school claims not to be responsible for this culture? In the time-honored words of one Judge Judith Sheindlin, “I’m not buying it.”

What the FUCK. That poor kid, being taken advantage of by that teacher. What the fuck is wrong with people, honestly?

It’s Dick Morris, so the odds of him realizing anything are slim to none.

I loathe vegetables so as a gag gift some friends got me that cookbook where they teach you how to hide vegetables from your children. Joke’s on them, though, because I hide spinach in my brownies and it’s legit.

I don’t want to rubbish Keira, but you know it’s hard being a film actor and it requires a certain level of honesty and self-analysis that I don’t think she’s ready for yet and I certainly don’t think she was ready for on that film.

Make sure you get tornado insurance. Your house might not be luxury for all that long.

About ten years ago I was friends with a woman who liked to throw parties, and as we were irresponsible young things, we would frequently get drunk. One time, some friends of hers brought a guy who they thought she would be interested in. My friend and this guy hit it off. They were flirting all night and she said to…

The ironic thing about hubris is that most people who would fall to hubris have enough of it to think they’ll be different.

No, they all think they’re special. They think it’ll be different for them. Hubris is a powerful drug.

“God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.” -Robin Williams

It has been my life experience that when someone says either “believe me” or “I’m gonna make you a great deal” they are lying through their teeth. So basically I believe very little that’s coming out of Trump’s mouth.

I don’t even know anymore. Is it November yet?

Oh shit, this must be why we’re getting Space Jam 2. Well everyone, let’s all get ready for some truly hideous clothing choices.