That topped yesterday’s stray cat strut.

Imagine if 25 of those people had nuclear bombs! Or Bazookas! Or magical powers!

“bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies”

I assume this is why we never have mass shootings in the US?

I once saw a guy dip his french fries in his ashtray while he was watching the game. He only did it with two french fries before he noticed he wasn’t getting any ketchup, but I felt like that was one time too many.

I thought that emoji was laughing so hard you cried, which I don’t equate with tears of joy. Do we really need a Daniel Webster of emoji?

I am still upset at the notion of coconut bacon.

I’m only a few tweets in and it is killing me. I literally laughed out loud at “we do not accept immunized children.”

We have a Cafe Gratitude, and a friend-of-a-friend was asked by the server, “What are you grateful for today?” and to be an asshole, he said, “Dick Cheney.”

You’ve never had... angel hair pasta?

Eating pasta is part of the whole deal if I recall correctly. I’m thinking about starting a beer, pasta, and sandwich based ideology myself.

I was married by a Pastafarian minister, who also happens to be one of my besties, who I had ordained on the FSM website specifically for this purpose. Best $25 I ever spent. It just as legal and just as legitimate as any other ordination.

Who is this man and how do I get myself one?

GIVE ME PEEN OR GIVE ME DEATH!!! Also graphic old timey sex please.

I’m so torn between my aversion to anything fur-related and my attraction to Jason Momoa

This is the single biggest black mark against his Presidency imo.

And I know so many people—Muslims!—who are such unbelievably great people and they’re being so badly tarnished by what’s happening now.

I began ignoring the straw policy after that, and the manager dutifully ignored my ignoring of said policy.

In case you thought that everyone knows how to Chipotle, have a picture of President Obama not knowing how Chipotle works.

For what it is worth, this guy is a lawyer.