He proposed because you said you like surprises? Goddamn, what a booby.

I've never really understood why attempted murder and completed murder are treated differently. He's kind of just lucky that she didn't die. It's like "oh, you really sucked at that murdering thing. We'll knock off half your sentence for not getting it right." All the same intent and actions. It's just odd. Punishing…

I love the internet. I really do. It's one of humanity's greatest inventions. Here we all are with nigh immediate access to virtually the entirety of human knowledge, at the push of a couple buttons. Want to know how internal combustion works? Google it. Want to know how to forge aluminum ingots and make stuff out of…

Learn some fucking science, "Food Babe."

Praise God for taking the bone out of their dick. I just can't fucking imagine. Or imagine fucking. Whatever.

I have joined the cult of red lipstick and flicky eyeliner and it does make me feel glamorous and enchanting even though I still just fanny about in my PJs and eat Jaffa cakes. But glamorously.

If only! At least there might've been muffins!

Hands up if your sexual assault was a lot like hearing a speech at a prayer breakfast. Anyone?

Haha I'm the opposite. If I could eat it while it's microwaving, I would. I can't count the numbers of burns I've gotten while impatiently shoveling hot lava into my face.

I get irrationally upset about fast eaters not enjoying their food. If you take a normal bite or a giant bite, you taste the food the exact same amount so it's OBVIOUSLY better to take lots of normal/smallish bites and get the most enjoyment out of a delicious meal. My boyfriend a few years back was always trying to…

I've never worked in the food service industry, but I have gotten a bit of sweet vengeance on a customer before. Working at a gas station, you get customers that complain at and blame you for everything from the price of milk to the size of coffee cups, like the clerk has anything to do with those things. I had a guy…

"So it's gonna be forever,

Wax vomit and diarrhea.This is the candy equivalent of Marburg.

"Bipolar Woman Says She DESERVES Disability Benefits.

I hope he also sat with and listened to women for whom having an abortion was not an issue born (pun intended) of crisis but of choice. Yes, it is critical that women in difficult situations not be forced to carry a child to term in already extremely challenging circumstances. It's just as important though that…

I can feel my arteries hardening just looking at it, but I would bite the f**k out of that, guilt and heart failure be damned.

"You'll Shit Your Dick!" is 1,000% my new favorite expression.

IN FLAGRANTE DETESTO

They should just call it "The Coitus" or "In Flagrante Detesto" or "Fucksgusting".

True fact: the dipping sauce is just the rancid contents of a jizzbucket.