Even the assless deserve a salad tossing.

I’ve always been of the school of thought that “drink in face” = insult, “bottle” = hate crime. Ya can’t just hit folks with Coke bottles. It can cause brain damage and shit.

I did the introduction, he came out, and then I awkwardly get up out of his seat. Then I hover for a good ten seconds. Then I walk part way off the stage, throw my hands up in the air awkwardly (because the crowd is going crazy, and in my drunken state, it doesn’t occur to me that they’re clapping for him, it’s me,…

Congratulations!

Was planning on breaking up with a psycho, emotionally abusive high school boyfriend, and discussed it with a friend during lunch. Psycho evidently had spies, and confronted me two periods later in the halls with some unhinged screaming and the handing of a suicide note. I went promptly to the school nurse with said…

That second one is GENIUS. GENIUS!

Come to SF for that date in June when RBG will kick some ass into making gay marriage an inalienable right. Couch surf. Meet hella gorgeous, happy people with their own apartments in the Ca$tro. Have all the sex. Get married.

Screw ALL this. Move to a warm state with a low cost of living! They’re not just for retired people!

After a bad breakup in 1995, I took solace by rocking out to “You Oughta Know” on the way to work. It was a satisfying morning ritual until I was screaming out the lyrics in a traffic jam one day and three dudes in a nearby car died laughing.

My ex thought it was a good idea to move to another state and hide from child support. Since he had such a consistent history of cheating I thought it would be easy to track him down on Craigslist’s Missed Connections. Someone had to know him because he had penis and it did wander. A lot. He also loved to make sure…

I also forgot I saw him once at a Ruby Tuesday and grabbed a menu and pretended like I worked there, went up to his table, and began explaining each of the entrees in as much detail as I could.

Got cheated on. Lost 40 pounds in two months (NOT healthy) and cut my hair off. I was running (because running all the time and living on lentils is how you lose 40 pounds in two months) and my hair tie broke. And because I was not living in a thinking rationally state of mind at the time, this is how my thought…

This one gets an A+ for creativity but makes me sad too. If only the beta had gone on to a better home, maybe a farm in the country where it could run and play with other fish?

It wasn’t technically right after the break up, maybe 2 weeks later. I was 17. I had an iron liver and no fear. I went to a giant “my parents are out of town” party at my friends house. It started out with a very adult vegetarian dinner party where we all cooked shit out of Linda McCartneys cookbook, and drank some…

This is a really great story and I’mma let you finish, but the image of a drugged-up girl laying intubated in the ICU writing “Beyoncé?” desperately on a piece of paper for a confused, pitying nurse is the funniest fucking image of all time.

How do you “call immigration”? There’s no hotline. Moreover, DHS is not interested in going after people for being undocumented. Its policy is to deport people who are at the border or in prison/jail. I’m curious about how this went down.

That was an absolutely terrible thing to do.

I fold in on myself when I go through a bad break-up. No drama, no public displays of emotion, just balling up in tears quietly at home. When my high school/college boyfriend of almost four years and I broke up, I was mostly fine - it was time and I was ready for it to end as well. That is, until I saw him talking to…

I have ex stories, but those are not fun. I do have a concert story to share that I wasn’t able to last week because it was the end of the semester and I had four different things due and had no time for anything else. It is a long story, but I love it.