Right?! You want light? Let me flip this switch! Oh it's too bright? Let me dial back the dimmer switch! Fucking sorcery I tell you!

I will always ALWAYS take practical gifts over decorative stuff. Jeebus, save me from knick-knacks!

It was kind of like that! They would just crack directly down the middle and I would end up with two halves of a plate.

My favorite practical gift is a Brother label maker with an extra cartridge. The recipient often looks at me like I have three heads when they unwrap it. They invariably tell me months later how awesome the gift was and they’re already on the second cartridge. I then tell them that they can feed their new label making…

What about all the porcelain crap from Lenox that sat in my basement for a while before finally going to Goodwill? No, I don’t want a picture frame or a music box that plays the theme to Love Story.

Are cleaning supplies the worst? My mother has done the large bucket with a step stool and bunch of cleaning supplies.

Of course in the salon, I kept calling it Ver-sace like in Showgirls. So much eye rolling from the bride.

0. A gift you got the couple for their wedding that they never used, forgot where it came from, and regifted.

We had king sheets on our registry. But did that stop someone from getting us black, satin, queen sized water bed sheets? No it did not.

I like my pizza stone but it definitely falls under the “if they wanted one they already have one” category as well.

She and I have that in common.

There wasn’t time to do anything like photos. It was during one of those massive bridal show things and there were probably 1000 women scrabbling to get a dress and try it on. There were elbows and purses flying everywhere. We barely had time to point and laugh at me in all my grandeur with my doc martins sticking out…

The heels look like they should go with some sort of Sexy Nurse halloween costume.

I mean, spend what you want, you do you, but ACTUALLY DO YOU. Don’t do everyone else.

I refuse to accept that any woman prefers strapless to non-straps. Refuse. Gravity tells me no.

Now you've got me thinking of Roy Scheider saying, "We're going to need more boob tape."

I plucked my dress up off the internetz. I got lucky and the fit was almost perfect and I have a great seamstress who is moving around some of the appliques into a pattern we find a bit more pleasing. BUT MAN IT ENDED UP BEING EASY! (Truth told, I loved a lot of the Packham and Pettibone dresses I saw, AND ESPECIALLY…

I am an engineer and I would rock the shit out of that pantsuit on my wedding day and every day, with gorgeous nude heels, big sunglasses, red lipstick and my pixie cut.

Okay but like how mad would everyone be if I started wearing a metallic detail a la flash tattoos on my forehead.

It has pockets, though, the very outer limit of avant garde.