This federal employee needs a drug test  overdose.

He would finally get a crowd bigger than President Obama’s.

“Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey

Mets brass couldn’t sign fast enough once Yahoo! assured them that this was just “the tip of the pyramid” for their new relationship.

The Blue Klux Klan.

wait i also assumed he meant bread made a day ago but now i learned Dago is a slur so... i dunno that wasn’t that funny of a story.

Well, I suppose if want to transition your country into a fascist, panopticon-style police state, there are worse plans than getting people used to seeing heavily armed people literally everywhere they go, right?

Gretel! Wake up Hansel and run before the witch eats you both!

Second prize is two medium Domino’s pizzas.

Nancy Pelosi invited Donald Trump, so I think she loses.

i made domino’s

I wasn’t sure about karma until I read the email of the week. Anyone who needs to “run downstairs for bottled water” when thirsty, and has handfuls of empty bottles lying around their bed, deserves to drink toenail water.

Good thing Mr. Samson skipped his monthly haircut that day.

welcome back

congrats to Splinter for bringing this to light, showing once again that sunlight is the best way to combat Ricketts

Back in the early twentieth century, in and around Germany, there were many families named Hitler.

The last thing LaVar Ball needs is to be around more Suns that don’t play basketball well.

[LaVar Ball emerges from the woods]

Soulja?! Soulja?! You mean the dude’s career which got boded by life? Soulja?!

“They didn’t believe in you! No one thought you would do it and you proved ALL the haters wrong. He’s too big. He’s too old. His time is up and he’ll never reach as high as he did earlier in his career. And yet, here you are, once again, lighting up the sky. Congrats, big man.”
-Tom Brady, every morning to the sun