Many things freak me out about Joe Francis, obviously, but my current overriding concern is that his teeth are all completely identical. WHERE ARE YOUR INCISORS, MOTHERFUCKER?

Except he did not stop. He treated Yoko Ono well because she had kicked his ass out and set him up her personal assistant as his girlfriend so she could keep an eye on him until she beckoned him back. Then he became a "house husband" and talked a good game about raising Sean. Meanwhile, he left his first wife and…

John Lennon has always bothered me. He constantly gets a pass for spouting off Imagine and Working-Class Hero and doing his peace and harmony schtick from hotel beds while simultaneously amassing tons of wealth and ignoring his own son. Blech. I refuse to consider him "the cool Beatle!"

And Eric's massive viking dong. In the books it is huge.

Sorry. Straight woman here. I want to see more dick. More, more, more. I've seen enough titties thank you very much.

Dodai, if you want to send them back an e-mail reading, "You don't have the fucking rank to call me Dodai," you can come stay here to hide. And I would bake you treats every day out of awe and respect.

They don't have the rank to call her Dodai!

Well, this whole situation is depressing, so here is Nova, Auburn's youngest golden eagle, to cheer everyone up.

No Sarah Jessica Parker! You are not crazy! Because this is how I will always think of Matthew Broderick!

More from Oprah for those of you who don't click the links:

That's like threatening to fight every heterosexual at a Melissa Etheridge concert.

Yes, acting nice got me my luggage. Acting nice got the receptionists at the hospital last week to actually pick up the damn phone because my family's insurance can only be verified through the phone, and then acting nice got them to actually dial the right number instead of just googling "United" and punching in the…

In the first instance the defence you would argue wouldn't be self-defence, it'd be provocation. Therefore SYG is irrelevant.

Oh bah with that line about protecting property at all costs. I don't like guns, and I don't like SYG, but I'm sympathetic to castle doctrine. Wisely interpreted, this can protect vulnerable people. Don't break into my fucking house.

These two pieces of character evidence were deemed irrelevant, even though the latter suggests that he had a thing for "checking up" on people who didn't want or need to be monitored and therefore seems particularly apropos.

(And before anyone decides I should be lectured on white women being awesome and not prejudiced as a whole - no kidding. I am a white woman.)

Girl you do not get to count the inches of cock twice. You can count BJ's given to the same person each time but UP and DOWN don't both get to count.

HOLD UP.

Daaaayum. When did heterosexual male porn stars get appealing. I mean, between him and James Deen and a few others, I may have to start watching porn for the guys' faces. Which is weird, because I'm usually looking farther south.

My panties just straight-up spontaneously combusted over here.