being Rand Paul’s child sucks the most.

I CAN’T AFFORD TO KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT CORRECTLY

From the People article re: Hillary Clinton, that chick who “made her cry” sez:

Oh hey distant ass cousin, I am also supposedly descended from William the Conqueror. We should totally have a reunion with all of his descendants, like the millions of us. It’d be a hell of a party. Granted my link is a tenuous bastard grandkid, so you know maybe I’m not invited?

Yeah! Invading shit and stuff!

No, still very much there as of last printing.

Oh man, me too! With the DSM changing every year, I can barely keep up.

I have fibro and like 10 people have told me to stop eating gluten. That and “nightshade vegetables.”

What sort of diet cures that? Does she need to switch to paleo?

I have had bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder my whole life. Yesterday someone told me if I were just able to change my gut bacteria it would go away. I just can’t.

Attn: “health” bloggers

Try natural Native American herbs. Hold them under a crystal pyramid and pray to the Illuminati.

lofuckingl

“She says she is passionate about avoiding gluten, dairy and coffee, but doesn’t really understand how cancer works.”

I’m interracial and the black side of my family is pretty light-skinned, meaning that in all likelihood I am related to both slaves and slaves owners. The thing about racism (and all the isms) is that they are not committed by monsters someplace far away but by actual flawed humans who are part of us. It’s far better…

My great great great great grandfather or whatever invested in mustache wax instead of coca cola and that’s why I’m here instead of on my own island in Figi.

One of my ancestors was a fish.

When my beautiful wife and I have kids (we’re trying, which means scheduled sex!!!) and they grow up to resent their Jewish mother and atheist father, I hope they write a book to tell the world about all of our flaws and spare no details. Of course they will also inherit our shared depression so they will go through…

My grandfather was probably definitely a Nazi.

Nope. As a heavily pregnant woman who both cleans up pooh daily (a baby’s, not a dog) and bends over frequently to pick up toys, there’s nothing preventing a heavily pregnant woman from picking up dog pooh. If she’s unable to pick up pooh, she’s likely unable to be walking a dog in the first place.