Can someone explain to me how you eat a steak covered in gold? Like do you peel it off? Crack it open? What do you do with the gold afterwards? Can you have it made into something? Does it affect the taste of the meat? You don’t eat the gold , do you? What does gold taste like? Does it make your poop gold? Please,…

I can’t stop laughing at the idea of your boob falling out of your shirt at the grocery store! “Bob, Boob cleanup on aisle 5"

I have a pair of boots that are

user name checks out.

Oh if you irritate me or I think you will at some point irritate me, you’d better believe you are getting a merciless thrashing in my head when I get home. MERCILESS.

Oh wow! I find when I’m nervous about something, I’ll just start signing everything I’m thinking. I’d be a terrible poker player.

Are you my mother-in-law? Every time I try to “help out” I catch her coming back later and rearranging all my work. I love her though so its just amusing. 

Any time I’m in an elevator that doesn’t have a security camera (my work, an old apartment building, etc.) the second the doors close I dance wildly like a maniac, arms flailing, kicking, etc. and completely compose myself a second before the door opens. 

I’ve always thought the way to make sports more interesting would be to make a rule that every team had to dress like their team name. To wit: the Pirates would be dressed as Pirates, The Bears in bear suits, the Lakers as amphorous blue blobs. As someone who had no interest in shorts, it would certainly make me want…

My cousin works security at Disneyland and they are trained to look for people leaving with barefoot kids. The reason is, if a kidnapper takes a child, they can alter the child’s appearance by turning the shirt inside out or backwards, putting on/taking off a jacket, but shoes are pretty distinct so they usually just…

Played by John Goodman.

I was listening to an early episode of This American Life and they had a woman on who had quit her job and started a Zine about quitting (what a 90's sentence!) And the whole philosophy was “it’s okay to quit. Quitting is good” and I realized goddamned that’s true. I quit the grad school program I was in (education)…

Well, I think that about sums it up.

Every time I see him I think it’s Dr. Leo Spaceman

Salads should be eaten with chopsticks. THINK ABOUT IT IT MAKES SENSE!

Agreed. Now, where do you stand on forks? I think salads should be eaten with chopsticks, as it’s nigh impossible to spear a soggy leafy green with a fork. Esp. when the salad has whole cherry tomatoes!

Oh I meant the chicken cube. But good reminder to take care of the ocean!

I will be stealing this.

Someone very clever pulled s prank on my husband and I that haunts me still. Last year, I was weeding out a book shelves in our living room when I saw this coffee table book of Sam Francisco (where we live) and I was like “why the hell would we have this dumb book?” It’s like the kind of book you find in a hotel room.

Unpopular opinion, I'm sure, but the beach. Sex on the beach is gross. SAND GETS EVERYWHERE. Like multiple showers later you're still finding sand in crevices. And it's hot (temperature wise)