Am I wrong to think that Kara was just quoting Camus, and her mother hasn't actually died (today or yesterday)?

Wait, I'm confused: I thought 500 Days was supposed to be representative of a Magic Pixie Dream Girl? The MPDG is kind of the opposite of the Cool Girl (or maybe she's her foil, because neither is really representative of a whole person).

GONDOR NEEDS NO CONTEXT

That would be hard on any guy.

This is why picture messaging is disabled on my kids' cell phones. As I said to one of them: "you can send dick pictures when you're paying for your own cell phone and not a moment before."

I have no idea why, but I wanted Winston from New Girl to be singing this.

It's not about whether 16 is an adult or not, it's an abuse of power. Full stop.

Hahahahha! What? That makes no sense at all. Like comparing apples and hairbrushes. Nice try, though. Not really.

How else am I going to become a Jezebel writer?

You ask the important questions.

Does he put a pasty over his sphincter or does the butt just get 0 coverage?

If "bootstraps" fucked a yogurt commercial, the bastard offspring would be "Love yourself more."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Needs more "Pony"

I was once a DJ. On my way to working an event in Westchester, I got really sick while driving. I have a really bad stomach and of course I was drinking a huge coffee and smoking, which made things worse. My assistant was sitting in the passenger side, watching me turn white, sweating and almost crying. If I could…

I think I can win this.

I used to be a TA, and I had just finished grading a huge stack of final papers for my class. I piled them neatly on the floor next to my backpack for the next day. When I woke up, my dog had, of every god damned place in the whole house, taken a huge, juicy shit right on top of the stack of papers. The shit was so…

I'm finally coming clean about this sh** show of a story.

Back when my ex and I were dating, I was really weird about pooping around him and his family. They were super white, and they were all so thin and wispy that I was convinced no one in his family ever pooped. So I'm hanging out and I realize that my tia's…

i poop like 3 times a day. it's annoying.

Tracie, I've loved working with you here and cannot wait to see what you have up your sleeve at your new job with [REDACTED COMPANY]. I'll never forget the time the entire Jezebel staff [REDACTED SUBSTANCE] on your roof and then took [REDACTED SUBSTANCE] while sharing our mutual weird sex fantasies about [REDACTED…