Thanks! We’re pretty stoked, and hopeful that it “takes.” Stick around and wreck my heartbeat, lil’ chickpea.

Wait, so did she know yet? Also, as a newly pregnant, WTF does being stuffed crust pizza do to one’s heartbeat?!

Seriously. I had a 30% chance of having a successful vaginal delivery. So I opted not to try at all, even though my OB said I could try labor if I wanted. It never occurred to me to ask my then-spouse’s opinion on how I should deliver the baby. Like, I’m doing all the work here, it is 100% my choice of how it gets…

yeah.. as someone who required the surgical removal of babybunnybunny three years ago, i begged the supervising OB to do this. he balked of course.

little did they know, i just didn’t bathe the kid for three months. boom!

holy moses my dad was talking about this just a week ago. he was basically all but shaming my mom for having me via c-section and thus robbing me of those potent microbiomes that have left me an emotionally bereft glutten-eating heathen of schlubbiness.

Second breakfast is my favorite meal of the day.

*gently rubs spare tire, thinks about grabbing a latte and a pastry for second breakfast*

No, Jezebel had an article called “Have you ever beat up a boyfriend? ‘Cause, uh, we have.” Way back in 2007. I think the article was a terrible idea for multiple reasons, but it didn’t mock victims of domestic violence.

Wear some metal fronts on your teeth for extra bite.

MISANDRY!

You know, it's really hard just being a shark without all these unrealistic expectations weighing down on me because of how sharks are portrayed in the media. Sometimes I can't deal. Hence, why I ate this dick who couldn't watch where he was swimming.

In a similar but unrelated note, I now bump into men who walk right into my path instead of moving to the side as we pass on narrow sidewalks.

I abhor murder. But if another animal is annoying the living crap out of you and your country doesn’t let you, a shark, have a gun - by all means, eat that animal.

Post-wine texted this to the ex-husband who keeps contacting me

baby replies: thatsjustmyhair

This is me whenever a baby cries and I'm three years done with breastfeeding. One of these days I'm going to lose my mind and throw one on there and get arrested.

you know what I got when I had that impulse six years ago? A hedgehog. and then I named her Zeus. quirky status established, without participating in the exotic animal trade or having to buy a freaking kinkajou

One day, The Donald woke up to find his comb over curled on his head, asleep. He hasn’t had the heart to wake it up.

This is where Donald Trump came from.