Something tells me that planning ahead isn't this woman's strong suit.

@peasandrice - Everyone was in a hat from the start: tiny jaunty ones, seussy ones, giant fascinators, flat caps, witches' hats.

Hat-Themed wedding.

I'm not married, and I've never been to a total horrorshow wedding, but at my parents' wedding, my mom watched a woman in a polyester jumpsuit (apparently the date of a friend) stuff an entire wheel of cheese from the buffet table into her purse and walk out.

The 5 day wedding "weekend" in which the bride handed me a grocery sack and ordered me to collect 250 perfectly shaped river rocks.

The Hive Queen from Ender's Game. Tough enough to get in the head of her killer and convert him to a friend.

Yeah this was my first thought.

I was thinking these are all darkly beautiful, awesome flowers until I got to this one, which looks like I pulled into a nightmare alley of Google STD images.

I have no idea if that's what they meant when they said that the locket and hair were fake, but if it was fake, I imagine that this really was an attempt at insurance fraud. She wouldn't want to lose the real item with sentimental value, so just have the thief "steal" a fake one, and then she can cry about how much…

There are a few space geeks over there. I wouldn't be surprised at all if that theme came up again.

If it costs as much as a boring Earth funeral, why the heck not?

Several years back I was homeless in San Francisco. I could often find friends to stay with, but not every night. The night of this tale I was trying to sleep in the park, and to help me sleep and forget about my shitty predicament I had bought a big jug of Carlo Rossi. Around midnight I'm good and sloshed, but still…

I think I have the same thing, but with Kinja.

You didn't even need to write all of this. All you had to say was "Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a billionaire baroness with secrets." and I'm sold.

I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

I'm pretty sure I've told this story on Jez before but it bears repeating. This woman was certainly not the worst flatmate I've ever had (actually she was a sweetheart) but she was by far the most unusual. She didn't speak a lot of English, so the week I went home to visit my mum I took great pains to explain to her…