I must have been on the cusp of a cycle or a no-hitter during my entire baseball career as a kid because none of my teammates ever spoke to me.

But is he elite?

Sure, Amell might be embarrassed right now but this serves as a first rate audition for my upcoming epic C’mon, Man, I’m Wide Open: The Christian Hackenberg Story.

Why, it’s almost as if there have been no technological advancements in the past (checks math) FORTY years!

When I was pregnant while working at a GOVERNMENT agency, my female boss was horrible to me. I asked to work from home for the last two weeks before my due date, because others got that perk, and here is her response:

Didn’t make it to the last of three paragraphs, eh?

Here’s the unedited version:

lol i gotta stop pulling that kinda shady shit

Oh sure it looks bad, but that's only because you put exactly what they said into print with the appropriate amount of context around it to get across exactly what they were trying to say!

Dana White is the kind of boss that suddenly yells “you’re fired!” when your trying to tell him you’re quitting.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the injured. In my experience, there are plenty of Chinese spare ribs to go around.

When I was 12 or so I was in a wave pool at what was then Wet & Wild in Dallas and got knocked down by a wave. Stood up and my bathing suit was about 10 feet away. Some group of older guys (older being 18-21ish when I was 12) surrounded me and got my suit for me which was really cool of them. Because of that quick…

Design meeting attended by only various versions of 11 year-old me

Landing on some bloated south siders probably would have been softer. 

Design meeting:

“What should the failure mode be for the wave generator?”
“Nothing, it should just die quietly and stop functioning.”
“We could do that. Or.. and hear me out on this one...”

People... pay... to watch James Dolan... perform music.

like when you try to give your cousin grief over video games to make him feel normal while he slowly dies of leukemia

Reading this article is probably the happiest I’ll be during this Lions season. Imagine being the fan of a franchise and the happiest you know you’ll be during the entire football season is reading a Drew Magary piece in freakin’ July.

Jack, can you please finish the end of your headline?