I beg to differ. There was only one hero in the LOTR, Samwise Gamgee. He was everything that villain Frodo Baggins wasn’t.

I remember Shazaming a song at the gym that sounded like third-rate Weezer, only to find that it was was actual Weezer.

I was right with you and then you had to ruin it.

No, no. Abortion cookies for some, miniature American flags for others. =)

Reading this post, I would never have guessed that people would be flying to the comments to defend that fart. I clearly have much to learn about internet commenting.

What a second. So you want to be able to keep a bunch of Nazi junk but don’t want people to think you’re a Nazi; you want to fly the Confederate flag high but not be thought a racist; you want to be able to use ‘fag’ freely but not have anyone think you might be a homophobe and yet you don’t want people to think…

Holy shit, you think you’re the one being persecuted here? Nobody’s stopping you from saying shitty things. We’re just saying that the shitty things you’re saying are shitty, you whiny fucking baby. My god.

Sure, you can take a stand against Big PC, but I also reserve the right to judge you as a racist.

“I was informed that it had been sent back because the drink was “too cold.” For those who may not be bar savvy, this would be the equivalent of sending a bowl of soup back to the kitchen for being too hot.”

it’s almost like our fetish for sport grants a license to be a human bag of shit or something.

Again with this “HAR HAR BEHOLD IT IS I, CONQUEROR OF RESTAURANT STAFF” crap. Like, if you don’t want to tip just be a garbage human and don’t tip before you go back to your small, smugly superior life unaware of the fact that an eternity of paper cuts followed by lemon juice await you in the next world. Looking for…

My guess on what really went down:

i hope he steps on a lego

“Stiffing him by taking the 20 percent off is exactly what he deserved.”

For my first wedding, I got giant Subway sandwiches because it was all we could afford. And then it turned out I had the only car they would fit in. So I went to Subway, in my wedding gown, with one of the groomsmen and stuffed them in my station wagon.

Do these people hate joy and good food or something?

I vote for bacon as a verb. “I made some chicken and then I BACONed all over it!” Sounds like a Guy Fieri dish.

*As a VERB. Fuck me.

Technically as celestial bodies I doubt very much that planets are aware of or concerned with the measure of what humans perceive as consciousness.

OH MY GOD NOW I CAN’T UNSEE THIS