This never would have happened if the USPS had asked a reference librarian. We cut through the bullshit with a copy of Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations and extensive back-up research. Google ain't shit.

I have never had luck getting make-overs. My mom once took me to her Estée Lauder lady who somehow made me-16 at the time-look like I was 40. I went to Clinique once to get help because I'm clueless and I wanted to look nice and the lady there put BLUE eyeshadow on me. Me- pale skin, brown eyes with dark circles, dark…

Sure. I can take you to get fitted for a bullet-proof vest and some Rocket Boots.

Green chile cheeseburgers are something that all Americans can get behind. My SIL isn’t gluten-intolerant, she’s just avoiding carbs to lose weight and she uses a lettuce wrap on her burger. Also, agree on menudo, I’m a terrible Mexican, I know, but menudo gives me the heaves. Maybe because my grandma would buy the…

In that last one, she looks just like my grandma did in the 80's, right down to the hair and those sunglasses. Hmm, you know, now that I think about it...I've never seen my grandma and Liz Taylor in the room at the same time...

You could pretty much put lemon, garlic and Parmesan on anything and make it delicious. I personally put them on pan-roasted asparagus, which is weird because I kind of hate asparagus normally. But now I am intrigued by the idea of kale chips done this way.

OMG, Texas...WTF! I'm a born and bred Texan, sixth or seventh generation and I swear, we used to be cool. Sometime in the early to mid '90s my home state just went full retard. I'm from El Paso, which everyone forgets is in Texas, so we're a bit sheltered from all this, but it does trickle down. I'm going to go drown…

I've lost 15 pounds from illness and stress. Everyone keeps telling me how great I look. Then they ask me my "secret". Depending on who's asking, my response is usually somewhere along the lines of "diarrhea, nausea, depression and crippling anxiety." Sometimes, if I'm feeling sassy, I do jazz hands and say,…

I dread it. I collect cats instead.

I flew American Airlines to China. In Economy. They cancelled one of my flights, rebooked it so I had an overnight in a city that required a hotel stay that they wouldn't pay for, delayed the return flight for 2 hours so I had to haul ass through customs and only made it to my connecting flight because there were 25…

When I was in preschool, I noticed that one of my classmates, whose parents were getting divorced, was getting away with things. The teacher would just shake her head sadly and he would get off Scott-free. Naturally, the next time I got in trouble (which was often), I told the teacher I was just upset because my…

All I could think of was, "oof, my knees." I'm 30 years younger than that woman I don't think I could drop it and get back up without help, or making an involuntary grunting noise. Which, actually, might explain some of that singing.

I would wear that outfit to work. Also, David Bowie.

Lush Ultra Balm. It's greasy as hell, but totally worth it.

To avoid streaking nail polish, I am an avid believer in Seche Vite top coat. It's a bit more than one of the drugstore "quick dry" top coats, but totally worth it if you're like me and you usually streak your polish everywhere...on the cat, on the couch, on the skirt...before it dries. Sec'n Dry by Orly is pretty…

I have a tendency to get the nervous giggles and an unbearable urge to run away whenever there is even a chance that someone who was on the nightly news walks by, so it's not often I ever come across famous people. When I was in college, I was following in my parents' footsteps by being politically active in…

I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock, so I'm just pretending she's Avery Jessup.

Why not both? Better odds.

Am I just a dirty-minded old crone or is that a dildo on the dresser in the first part of the video? Oh, wait, I think it might be one of those air freshener cones. False alarm, people. False dildo alarm.

I know! When I finished it, I laid it down on the table and said, "Well played, Ms. McLean, well played." And then I went back and re read all the other ones and dammit, I don't normally miss things like that. I'm a librarian, so I have romance paperbacks all over the place from work. Hawkins, Quinn, Milan....have…