I actually have health insurance for my cats. One of them escaped from my apartment and was beaten up by some delinquent neighborhood kitty thugs and I had to shell out over $400 for his care. I was poor and the money was tight and really, it was that dumb-ass cat’s fault for leaving the safety of his home for the…

#lifegoals

I am fascinated by make-up, but I fail at it so hard. My mom barely wears any and never let me when I was a kid, so I never got the hang of it. The irony is my grandma could teach a master class of make-up and hair, but my mom...it just skipped her. And since she never taught me, I can’t girl properly. When I do wear…

I am so glad that all my girl friends live in sin. I'm 35 and I've been in 2 weddings in 15 years, been to 3 (including the 2 I was in). Everyone else is a heathen sinner, and I'm grateful for it.

It’s a trap!

They hate-snuggle in the winter.

Thank God, that's how I read it, too. And now I can't stop thinking about minty chimps.

Well this is terrible. I am now afraid for all my favorite British entertainers. Someone check on Dame Maggie Smith, STAT.

I had that omce, but with Nutella in between the layers. This is my ghost responding because it was so delicious I died.

I’d go to Scotland, Germany and Mexico. I do genealogy as a hobby and I would love to visit the places where my ancestors lived and do research. Nerdy, I know, but I've always been fascinated by my family history.

What a sweet kitty! When I got my last one, he lived under my dresser for a day or so. Everyone else is right when they say just give her time. Cats don’t like change, but they adjust if you give them time, space and maybe some treats. Just hang out and she’ll come to you.

My mom once told me I was shaped like a fire hydrant. I was 10.

My boss and one of my now ex-staffers took me to a Starbucks for what I thought was a congenial conversation about some personality conflicts the staffer and I had been having. I figured, hey, it’s a Starbucks, this is going to be friendly and profesh. Nope. A thousand times nope. After we all got our frappuccionos…

I’m about to be visited by my bitch Aunt Flo so I’ve been craving all the bad things. I made my bomb-ass Mac and Cheese on Monday and have been gnawing on it all week. I use sharp cheddar and Parmesan cheese and when I make the white sauce, I add garlic and onion powder. When I bake it, I top it with Panko crumbs that…

Depends on the friend. I have one where the answer would be “Yes”, followed by a high-five. I have another where the answer would be more measured. Situational awareness is key. If that badger is angry, don't poke it.

That's a good dog!

I’ve had the “just you wait, you’ll change your mind” thing, and sometimes I’ll look at my watch and say, “I’m still waiting...”

Librarian here. My recommendation...check the library. We have like 3 rogue poopers at any given time.

My mom clipped a NYT article on resting bitch face and then gave it to me, saying it was relevant. Was that shade? Or was she just being a mom? Are moms just naturally shady?

I love watches. The bigger, the better. My (highly incorrect) theory is the bigger watch makes my wrist look dainty. I want to be dainty, damn it! Sorry, this picture is huge. Like my wristwatch!