Legally you mean?

In my messenger bag: Astroglide, a condom (yes, unused), an anal annihilator, a pint of Jim Beam, a King James Bible, a gerbil and an NRA card. Okay, who the fuck switched my bag with Mike Pence’s bag???

Wait, all that shit and not a single tampon! Mrs. Phallus hasn’t had a period in a year and I guaranfuckingte that she has at least one in her bag, one in her jacket, and one in her briefcase. Something not right here....

Um, so the cards are to hand out to potential mates. It goes like this - Katee to hot guy: Hi, I’m Katee, here. Hot guy now has two choices, to keep talking to Katee or to turn and run.

While in China I once ate a cat and a bird at the same meal. Well, not actually the entire cat or bird, just part of them.

1. The Claypool Lennon Delerium, “lime and limpid green”.

Shhhh, listen. Do you hear that? It’s a collective sigh of relief from underage girls all across the Beltway.

Lots of blame to go around here. The largest portion of it goes to the MLB commissioner for allowing these relatively poor buyers to buy the team and saddle themselves with four hundred million in debt. The only option is to unload payroll. U don’t agree with the trades but I do understand them.

That gorgeous sexy woman is my future ex-wife. Y’all need to step off...

Donald Trump begs to differ...

The National, Sleep Well Beast

Just caught Cheap Trick live down here in South Florida. They still kick ass live...

1. Michael McDonald, “Wide Open. This actually a really tasty record from the guy that you parents used to listen to. no, really.

Deadspin reporter found dismembered and partially eaten in a vat of Astroglide. Last know contact was with deranged Deadspin reader.

Wait, you are a Tampa guy! I used to live out in New Tampa.

Is it wrong that I find her smoking hot and that Mrs. Phallus allows me to call her Sarah during relations?

Um, so what don’t you people understand? Jones convicted Klansman for killing African Americans. How is THAT tough on crime? #pelosipuppet

Robert Plant, carry fire

You haters need to leave DT alone. What he said is totally plausible. After all, I was named Time’s “man of the year”, People’s “sexiest man alive”, and GQ’s “best dressed man of the year” all in the same year! I turned them all down because I didn’t want to make others feel uncomfortable about so much winning..

Bingo! That kind sir is exactly correct. 6X distillation is necessitated by the fact that the starting product is basically kerosene. A respectable 4X distillation will not remove enough of the impurities to make it palatable.