Or all of the above.

He clearly believes he’s been friendzoned by half of the entire human race.

Dudes like this unnerve the hell out of me. It’s like a wall of “trying” that gets increasingly mean and frantic. They are like the velociraptors in the first Jurassic Park, just jumping on the electric fence, trying to find a weak spot. And they NEVER admit that they are the creepy, stalker assholes that they are. In…

Never joke about funny tattoos you would never really get to friends who are tattoo artists because you might end up getting a 30 Rock tattoo. Or do joke about it. Whatever, I love my weird caricature Jack Donaghy.

Omg this is me! I work at a college and summers are super slow and not crowded. Plus I got to a less frequented bathroom in the building anyway. Normally easy to obtain private time in a multi stall bathroom. Nope! one day in the middle of fucking July a girl (woman whatever, I tend to infantalize students when I’m…

Here is the number #1 (no pun intended) rule of etiquette for multi-stall bathrooms: If you are done with your business and the other door that was shut when you got there is still shut, someone is holding onto their poop for dear life, praying that you will hurry up and leave. Please move along. Hopefully someone…

i am IRL laughing my fucking ass off at SAMMY I’M COMING HOME TO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I’m not a panicky flyer but a few months ago was on cross-country flight to LA with the WORST turbulence of my life (consider I used to fly in small planes over the Vermont mountains in winter, so I’ve been through some shit). It was over the Rockies in the middle of a bad winter storm and we were literally dropping…

My wife is nervous flyer. She hates turbulence and especially the type where the plane drops suddenly. One time we hit some rougher than normal turbulence and the plane is bouncing around. My wife has a death grip on the arm rests and not having a good time. Behind us was 3 or 4 year old who was having a blast. He is…

Anybody would rather sit with the strippers.

Flight from the Dominican Republic to Canada, late 1980s.

One time on a flight, the baby belonging to the couple seated beside me decided that I was an enemy that needed to be outed and destroyed. This baby, which I had never seen before, gave me a death glare and began reaching over to slap me with its fat little sausage arm. The parents were surprised and mortified. They…

I didnt see this one, because I myself was the culprit. I was kinda hung over and had to get on a red-eye flight. The only thing open to eat or drink at the airport was a starbucks at like 5:30 in the morning. All they had to eat were turkey sandwiches. I got one, and noticed it said “made in Maryland” on the label (I…

A 3-hour flight on Valentine’s Day a few years ago: Flight attendants rearranged a row of passengers near me to accommodate one woman’s giant stuffed teddy bear. Upon takeoff, I look over and there is the teddy bear, strapped in with a seat belt, enjoying a ginger ale.

The last time I was on a plane, I was with my toddler. I smelled an awful smell and said, “Did you pooh?”, and she told me no. I questioned her a few times, as the smell was awful. Then I look up to see the woman next to us with her face beet red. She had farted and stunk up our area.

The inside of a lavatory of for over an hour as I was stuck inside.

The Worst Thing You’ve Ever Seen on an Airplane...

I spent a seven hour flight stuck next to a cruise ship magician who was like Gob from arrested development but without the suave charm goodness of heart. He negged me constantly and kept mentioning that his “hot Lebanese wife” told him to go out and have sex with anyone he wanted because she as six months pregnant…

I once was flying from DC to Vegas on a Friday, mid-morning. I sat with several strippers. Apparently it’s not uncommon for dancers to fly out to Vegas on the weekend and make a shit ton of money. Anyway, I’m terrified of flying and proceeded to order several bourbon and cokes. My hand was shaking so hard (fear, not…

My flight was delayed when a sober grown man threw up on a flight attendant as we were taxi-ing.