Jesus has a full bar in His office with her name on it.

I feel kinda bad for Jesus for having to hear her go on about it for hours.

I think they gave the pardoning a turkey ceremony exactly the amount of disinterest and disdain it required.

If I find out that Piers Morgan is being followed by Jez while I am not, there will not be enough hours in the day for how many times I'll need to shake my fist at the sky.

I am totally nesting. I just bought some silverware off Amazon because it was a really good Black Friday deal. I got a cool looking lamp from an antique shop the other day, because it was $7. I know what color walls look good with which colored accent pillows. I put coffee table decorations at hobby stores. I watch a…

idk

My eyes...they can't adjust quickly enough to the brightness....

I swear to GOD if I ever found out my (actual) son had done something like this his life wouldn't be worth living for about two years.

This is incredibly satisfying. Nothing is more wonderful than the idea of misogynists having to admit their misogyny to the one woman who they think is somehow different. It's a beautiful thing.

Like this is news. I'm going to die alone and be eaten by raccoons but I still know what I'd like for my wedding that will never happen. I don't even know why I think about it every so often.

I pretty much hate Thanksgiving food the way most people make it. Like stuffing. People are always fucking it up with disgusting oysters or raisins or some such shit. And what is wrong with PLAIN green beans, or better, green beans with a lemon vinaigrette? NOOOOO we have to drop some dog vomit-looking soup on top of…

Okay. Wow.

Jeez, Dad, step it up. You started this, you can help finish it.

I don't even want to talk politics! I want people who will talk about Mockingjay and the last Hobbit movie coming out! I want people who will watch Charlie Brown Thanksgiving with me. People who aren't assholes about me not liking turkey or sweet potatoes. That's it. That's all I want. I'm not asking much here.

It's not much of a horror story...

Ha, I have the same family. The types who blame feminazis for the breakdown of society, who are staunchly anti-abortion but pro-death penalty, and who think Obummer is trying to take all their guns and bibles and jobs and give them to his Muslim buddies.

One Thanksgiving, my teeth were just starting to come in. I was miserable and crying. My material grandmother, a lovely and tiny woman from Ireland, decided the best thing for me was to rub whiskey on my gums. Unfortunately, she didn't realize my paternal grandfather, an ex-Navy Italian from Queens, was doing the same…

Last year, when my relatives found out I not only had a girlfriend, I have an Indian, Muslim girlfriend who makes more money than all of them.

reminds me of roman names.

Quintavious is one of those names that is so amazing its bearer has no choice but to cultivate a life and personality and style worthy of it.