I am an advertiser’s dream. I once saw a commercial for Golden Grahams, which I hadn’t had in YEARS, and decided “hey, that looks good...” and immediately got in my car and went to Target.

Oh, sorry. I was talking about the voters who desperately want their coal jobs back, not these choads who give them what they want...

I love Jon Cena, but, I dunno... If I’m sitting at dinner and three jacked dudes I don’t know ask us to come over and sit with them, then get up and ask AGAIN... I’d be wondering what the f was up.

I hate to judge a book by its cover, but it is just too easy with these choads. I mean, just LOOK at that guy. Pasty, shlubby white guy licking the leftovers of his pork rinds lunch off his fat lips while he decides that clean air is severely overrated.

“”All they understand is graft and “what’s in it for me?””

I’m going with Kevin again, as I was pretty sure what I would go with the list that picked sour cream and onion Pringles. Cool Ranch Doritos is just a. huge bonus, and Fritos are my biggest guilty pleasure salty snack. They are SO full of salt and fat that the only real time i get into them is if there’s a mini bag in…

One of my best ever snack experiences (and I guess one of my best ever experiences at work) was the time I went to the lunch room and grabbed a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos that they have for free, and when I opened them and started eating I noticed something was... off. There were slightly fewer chips than normal. Then…

I have definitely been watching TV in the past month and said out loud at least five times, “Man, I miss smoking...”

Whenever I go to a foreign country, I always like to a) go to a McDonalds, b) eat a weird flavor of Pringles. I think it’s just an excellent way to gauge the cultural differences in a cheap and quick manner. Also, usually the McDonalds serve beer.

I don’t know about reality TV, but I have DEFINITELY noticed that I tend to drink more when people on shows I’m watching are drinking. And I usually reach for specifically whatever they’re drinking. I drank so much bourbon during the runs of Justified and Boardwalk Empire. And recently my wife asked “why are you…

I would imagine Meghan McCain softly folds over as opposed to snaps.

“Kevin McCarthy Wins the Prize for Most Ridiculous AOC Attack of the Week”

I think we’re about 36 hours away from Trump (or Rick Santorum) saying “So what’s wrong with concentration camps? We put them there so they can “concentrate” and think about the crimes they’ve committed and can “concentrate” their efforts to go back to their home countries. We’re just helping them focus.”

I guess if you can’t put Mark Strong in your Kingsman movie, Stanley Tucci is a pretty good substitute.

“slice” and “mud pie” were two terms that just kept getting funnier, across multiple sketches.

This title is misleading. Because the first thing I did was close my eyes and imagine what terrible but plausible thing he could have said, and I came up with “If anyone deserves reparations, it’s the descendants of the plantation owners who lost all their property.”

Saying you never really liked Trump and that you were really all-in for Ted Cruz might not be the reasonable defense these people think it is.

Especially since being an old, white philanderer seems to be their target demo...

While it’s true that she has owned them every single time, it’s also true that it DOESN’T MATTER AT ALL. Getting owned on things like “logic” and “facts” are like Republican 101. It doesn’t matter. Their base just likes to see AOC and the like get “owned” even though their points make zero logical or rhetorical sense.…

As much as this bunt-double ruled, it’s still the second most preferable outcome of a shift, isn’t it? I think the shift efficiency models are popular for a reason. Obviously, a bunt double is a real outlier. But if you can get Matt Carpenter to bunt for a single, even if he’s successful most of the time, at other…