Please, do not do that, drink chlorine instead.

Modern Family makes me want to suffocate on my own avulsed genitalia whilst simultaneously rubbing puréed habaneros in my eyes.

I think if we bought TMZ a thesaurus the world would be a better place

This woman should probably hibernate for about 10 years.

hey world, winter is coming...for you.

It’s always a question mark for me, even when I plan it. Half the time I don’t realize my toddler has emptied my shaving cream until it’s too late.

Bitch, please. I got a rotation.

Fucking AMEN. It’s both making me feel old and obsolete and like I somehow did my teen years wrong because I too was horribly dangerously depressed and really pissing me off because I don’t want to think about the bullying, parental verbal and psychological abuse, the cutting, the eating disorder, the insane academic…

and I just noticed by typo. Ugh.

If you’re presidenting like shit, you must quit!

“[hung out] with Jacob (again).” I think that actually reads hu w/ Jacob again. Hook up.

I mean... it’s August and she hasn’t had sex yet? Slacker.

He ALWAYS whips out that Golden Moldy, doesn’t he, when he’s panicking? Pretty soon he’ll be bitching about inauguration crowds.

Or zit?

I was also considering nitwit.

I admire the list for its extreme specificity. Her goal is TWO bjs. That’s ambition.

Total shut down required. No further input will be processed.

If the son’s a twit, you must acquit!

Man am I alone in being horribly depressed by teen week?

Fuck yes. Once was waaay more than enough.