I’m trying to stretch my legs out and she’s like ‘No fucking way I’m moving old man!’.

I thought Famewhore was a perfume laced with tiger pheromones that smells of Kylie Jenner’s taint and heavily masturbated in hot tub water? I mean, I guess it can be both.

She turned me into a newt! I have to say I generally am not a huge Monty Python fan, but Holy Grail does get me. Especially the part with Tim and the bunny. I worked at a dog rescue for a few years and whenever I was dealing with a small and particularly viscous one I just wanted to run and ‘It’s got great pointy…

DL this is Furlock I’m gonna recommend strafing fire then disengage, target is deeply subsumed into their own asshole.

I threw my childhood bear into a ceiling fan and maimed him in order to amuse my college girlfriend. I don’t remember the context cause it was years and years ago but she’s my wife now so worth it I’d say.

Detroit: Coffin to the Stars!!! You guys have an on point pizza game though. My buddy brought me one last week, where has that shit been all my life.

What are warm toned nude-ish lip things? Lip stick? Babbling half formed monstrosity in a Petri dish? Drunk ordering is pretty entertaining. My last one was from Amazon, I did full collection of Sherlock Holmes and Arlene Lupin novels plus this exfoliating scrub that came with this vibrating egg thingy. Works like…

Gadot is gonna fucking crush it! I’ve been trying to think of all of Etta’s dumb candy themed siblings’ names for the past week, refuse to engage the internet!

‘He died here’ is definitely kind of a weird thing to tout...

I will sacrifice a goat to Odin in the hopes you succeed. Side Note: if the offer succeeds and you want to pack your new freezer with goat meat, lemme know.

I’ve found when people try to be clever or creepy with you it’s best to first act like you didn’t hear so they have to repeat it. After they’ve repeated the clever or creepy phrase act like you don’t understand so they have to explain it. Something that has to be repeated AND explained really loses a lot of impact.

I’m gonna offer some controversial advice Betty. You said he’s an old fuck, and may have targeted you specifically due to your Southern Belle persona or whatever ish, excuse me I’m paraphrasing. That would lead me to believe his lascivious nature is old school. Have you tried being gross back? He probably wouldn’t…

I’m an intrinsically lazy dude but last minute packing just floors me! I can’t fathom it at all. Get that shit done early and conveniently, hell bring as much over to the new place you can prior! Moving is already insanely stressful so your gonna dick around not packing your winter coats for a summer move?!?! *I’m the…

I get that fondant looks pretty, but it’s a fucking cake!!! I don’t want it covered in drywall!

Okay that sucks the guy possibly killed, or did kill his fiancé but people that commit crimes horribly always vaguely amuse me. Like I murder somebody then put the knife in my freezer in a ziploc with ‘murder weapon’ or ‘knife I killed Janet with’ written on it in red sharpie dated the day I committed the aforesaid…

I really know nothing about tattoos but it sounds like you deeply regret this one. May I ask how you feel about a black square slightly larger than the tattoo you dislike?

Hadn’t heard that expression, and I’ve gotta say I’m a fan.

Yeah usually when you say shit you regret it’s like an arrow, you shoot it and it causes harm. It sucks but it’s over, maybe go apologetically try and dig the arrow out. Doing the same online is like painting a giant mural of you shooting someone with an arrow that all the potential passerbys can see and talk about,…

Yea, she just started a dance show in Vietnam, ‘Dance for Abby’s Dong’!

Take Piper out and it sounds great!