Ohh god, you had to throw it away? I would have cried, too! In fact, I had sympathy sadness from just reading your story. It's funny how emotionally invested we get about our milk, isn't it? It's so personal!

Parodies all around:

From the VF piece "The books follow the continuing adventures of bright-eyed and plucky college grad Anastasia Steele and her billionaire sugar daddy Christian Grey as they retreat to the bedroom in an effort to withstand the Seattle weather."

I have lots of complicated feelings about Michael Bloomberg, but thank God he's on this gun crusade. The Congress effectively forbids the ATF, CDC, the FTC nor any university to compile data and conduct research about guns, so only a rich man on a mission can provide evidenced-based research about the public health…

That's it—throw down, right now! Scalia, Thomas, Alito, Roberts: express milk, on the spot. Right now. Do it like your imaginary starving baby depends on it. I want to see each one squeeze out one little drop of white gold.

Women, Nationwide is NOT on your side.

I'll remind my husband of this for our next child. Now he can worry about what his tits will look like after nursing for a year.

Of course.

See, I'm on the opposite end of things here.

Dear Diary,

Martha, stop being an asshole buying dogs.

It does sound like something from Portlandia.

Originally from Michigan, he strove for an anti-capitalist lifestyle, the pinnacles of which were his militant veganism and leadership in the biking community.

I guess the rest of us can hang it up. I mean, if Lenny Kravitz isn't cool. We have no chance.

Idiots. Idiots do that.

If I understand right, it sounds like he let his girlfriend take the blame because he was drunk (and would have gotten a DUI) and she was sober. The part I don't understand is: if he was drunk and she was sober, why the hell wasn't she driving in the first place? Who does that?

HENRY VIII

"Lance Armstrong, generally known for being an upstanding and honest individual in all areas of his life, committed a hit and run in December and let his girlfriend take the blame."